How to Speak Republican: Leaked Document Reveals the Secrets of the GOP's Coded Language

Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.

Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership in your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.

Rick Sealock

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Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.

Lamestream Media: All media with the exception of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of PornHub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife's at Bible study and the door is locked.

Liberal Agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer.

Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

Mormons: Creepy sex cult perverts from Utah who have arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls named Edna. Still better than negroes, but scarier than Jews.

Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.

Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.

Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.

Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.