By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
By the time you read this sentence, your favorite Miami Marlin has probably been sent packing.
For the third time in franchise history, a fire sale is raging. The face of the franchise, Hanley Ramirez, is now a Dodger; the last Marlin to throw a no-no, Anibal Sanchez, and the best infielder, Omar Infante, are gone. The team is dreadful, and the club is projected to set the record for lowest attendance at a new ballpark, according to Forbes.
If the Marlins are going to gut their team, why not go full bore and get rid of everything they can? Hey, Jeffrey Loria, consider these blockbusters:
Sell the fish in the home-plate aquarium to South Beach sushi restaurants. A recent study by conservation group Oceana shows a big portion of sushi for sale in South Florida is mislabeled, with fish like escolar subbing for whitefin tuna. But the Marlins have fish to spare, and given that the aquarium behind home plate hasn't been shattered by an errant ball yet, they're not providing much in the way of entertainment. Why not let some sushi joints offer truly exotic plates? For a bit extra, the team could throw in Billy the Marlin and let people eat sushi off him. Erotic!
Offload the home-run sculpture to Disney. The Marlins' much-mocked home-run mountain — which looks like a pachinko machine designed by Lisa Frank — has provided plenty of laughs, but it's not of much use to a team with little power. The solution: Give it to Disney, which could house it in the Shiny Globe of Misfit Toys that is Epcot. The team could double up on savings by plastering a pastel M on a bunch of Mickey Mouse ear hats to use as batting helmets.
Send Ozzie Guillen to Cuba in exchange for a dissident to be named later. Fidel Castro, in turn, could appoint Ozzie as his envoy to the United Nations. Think of Ozzie raining expletives on the UN Security Council and trying to bench Russia for a lack of hustle. "Fok you, Putin!"
Trade $360 million in taxpayer money for an unnecessary stadium for a last-place team. Oh, wait, Loria and Samson already did that.