By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
Nicki Minaj rolls deep, traveling with so many alternate personalities that a PET scan of her head must look like the Predator's family Christmas card.
When she beez in the James L. Knight Center this Tuesday, expect all of them to make cameos: Nicki, Barbie, Roman, Martha, Rosa, and maybe even some new ones.
But pissing on bitches and beating you with a pad-a-lock take considerable time and concentration. That's why we're going to ease Nicki's workload by suggesting some new personalities for her show in Miami.
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Cheeky and Clarence the Ass Implants. Nicki Minaj has a really big ass. Grand, even. Her bottom is vast enough to span the scope of human experience; her cheeks are the modern-day Greek masks of Tragedy and Comedy.
Nicki's sulky left cheek, Clarence, mostly moans, making a sound like a deflating balloon. So don't expect to hear from him unless Nicki's next stylistic excursion is a free jazz album called Super Double Bass.
Her right cheek, however, is a troublemaking party starter. Cheeky the Ass Implant is a scamp that does things far naughtier than using the bidet less than 30 minutes after eating. Give it a taco and a match and Cheeky is gonna spit so much fire it'll be a baller's two-ply lifestyle thereon out. Expect beef on the regular with the Kardashians and Joe Jonas's underarm merkins.
Officer Tickles, TSA. A couple of weeks ago, Nicki claimed to have been "overtly fondled" by a TSA agent, described by Minaj as an old lady with an accent. So don't be surprised when Officer Tickles shows up on a track, overtly fondling a RedOne beat.
Officer Tickles would have a lot of opportunities to dis Nicki's rap enemies. Possible subjects include them being so poor they don't have to empty their pockets before going through the metal detector, the boll weevils she spots in their weaves under the x-ray machine, and how she'll pee on them three ounces at a time. Yeah, Nicki really likes peeing on people.
Lil' Kim's Old Face. Times are tough for everyone, even moderately successful rappers from the '90s. That's why Nicki's rival Lil' Kim has downsized and traded in her old face for some veal scaloppine shot up by a paintball gun.
But now that Lil' Kim's old face isn't doing anything, maybe Nicki can slap it over her own and give it a voice. It would be like Face/Off if Nicolas Cage had swapped faces with present-day Nicolas Cage instead of John Travolta. Plus, there are many advantages to accessorizing with other people's body parts: It's edgy and, outside of things like fingers or lungs, they're usually one-of-a-kind.
The Chicken Ghost of Manchester. Nicki recently bought 550 chicken legs and 300 chicken wings after a show in Manchester, England. The only possible explanation is that she is trying to summon the angry ghosts of slaughtered chickens in the hopes of being possessed by them. And really, it was only a matter of time before Minaj started making animal noises in her songs. So get ready for your radio to be dominated by the unholy clucking of Nicki's next Colonel Sanders dis track. Bwaaak-ahh!