The Beach is about to get flooded, son.
At this very moment, there are 250,000 rappers, DJs, celebs, porn stars, strippers, and regular people packing the Hummer full of champagne, cash money, and 12 changes of clothes. They're making last-minute adjustments to the party plan. And soon they'll be cruising across the causeway for Memorial Day weekend.
Meanwhile, the Miami Beach Police Department, City Manager Jorge Gonzalez, and the Unity Coalition's anti-Urban Beach Week activists are frantically prepping for this human tsunami by organizing an onslaught of cops, DUI stops, and other emergency security measures.
But we at New Times just wanna nonviolently wild out. So let's all chill and keep the peace. There are way too many holiday throwdowns to even bother beefing. And as proof, here are the 15 best parties for Memorial Day weekend 2012 in Miami.
Jeremih and Roxy Reynolds. 11 p.m. Thursday, May 24, at SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Kick off Memorial Day weekend with Chi-Town fellatio fanatic Jeremih, porn pro Roxy Reynolds, and a lil' foreplay. As the J-Man likes to say, "Lick it, lick it, lick it."
DJ Khaled. With French Montana. 10 p.m.,Thursday, May 24, at Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Big homie's got a billion jobs. He's a Def Jam exec, the CEO of We the Best enterprises, a YMCMB superproducer, 99 Jamz's top jock, and an all-star professional party starter. So he works, like, 27-hour days. And this Thursday, he'll make Cameo his office.
YMCMB. Hosted by Birdman. 10 p.m. Thursday, May 24, at Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $40 to $120 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. What goes down when Mr. Brian "Birdman" Williams (AKA Baby, Stunna, Lil Wayne's Daddy) and the rest of the Young Money Cash Money crew waste a weeknight on South Beach? Well, according to the official YMCMB corporate handbook, approximately $1 billion, 333 bottles of GT vodka, and 69 premium hos.
Young Jeezy. 10 p.m. Friday, May 25, at King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., North Miami Beach; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets cost $60 to $120 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 21 and up. We were warned. "Can't you niggas tell?" Jeezy shrieked. "I'm just looking for a supa-freak." And now this Southern spitter says he's "supa-geeked," cruising toward KOD in his "supa-coupe" with a suitcase full of "kush and Cîroc" and "100 stacks" looking for a supa-stripper with that "wet-wet supa-leak."
Ace Hood. With Juelz Santana, plus DJs Springer, Griot, and Nasty. 10 p.m. Friday, May 25, at Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Admission is free before midnight. Ages 21 and up. Sometimes you wanna blow that money fast. Other times you gotta save. As Broward County native and DJ Khaled protégé Ace Hood astutely points out, "Mama need a house, baby need some shoes." And that's exactly why he, Juelz Santana, and the Best of the Best fest are hooking all y'all up with free admission to Cameo this Friday.
French Montana's Shot Caller Daytime Party. With DJs Boof and Epps, and Jay Rells. Noon Saturday, May 26, at the Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, 1732 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1160; catalinahotel.com. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. As the founder of Cocaine City Records and a recent signee to Diddy's Bad Boy Records, Morocco-born, South Bronx-bred rapper French Montana is a certified shot caller. His advice for a successful Memorial Day weekend: "Last sleep, first up, like a dope dealer."
Gucci Mane. With DJs Q45 and Nasty. 10 p.m. Saturday, May 26, at SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1,500 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ladies drink free till midnight. Ages 21 and up. Yeah, son, Gucci Mane is insane. He's a big fan of betting on stripper fistfights. He's gone to jail for shoving a woman out of his speeding SUV. He's even got an ice-cream cone and red lightning bolts tattooed on his face. So, uh, who knows what this party animal's got planned for Saturday. Our only hint comes via Gucci's Twitter: "Memorial Day Weekend will never be the same! Burrrr!"
Trey Songz. With Mavado, Stevie J, and Top Feelin, hosted by Miss Kimmy, Felisha Monet, and Papa Keith. 10 p.m. Saturday, May 26, at Ice Palace, 71 NW 14th St., Miami; 305-403-7850; big-time.com. Admission is free for ladies. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Even though smooth crooner Trey Songz likes to ohh-ohh about the facial expressions people make during sexual intercourse and orgasms that feel like a "Heart Attack," he's really just a hopeless romantic with a head full of deep thoughts. And this holiday rendezvous is "Reserved for the Mature & the Privileged." Let's try to love and respect each other, people.
Birdman and Friends. With DJs Affect and Mummy. 10 p.m. Saturday, May 26, at Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Whenever a rapper releases a new track loaded with all kinds of nasty language, he's gotta do a cleaned-up, duplicate version for MTV and corporate radio. Similarly, whenever a rapper like Birdman throws a raunchy, late-night Memorial Day party at a strip club like King of Diamonds, he's gotta give the timid party people an option without the bare booties and dirty dolla-dolla bills.
Juelz Santana's Splish Splash Pool Bash. With DJs Boof and Epps. Noon Sunday, May 27, at the Terrace Bar & Rooftop Pool, 448 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. If the 2011 edition of Juelz Santana's Splish Splash bash was any indication, there's gonna be $100 bills in the pool, smashed Hennessy bottles in the trash, and crazy-ass, bikini-clad party girls wilding out in the restrooms.
2 Chainz. 10 p.m. Sunday, May 27, at King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., North Miami Beach; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets cost $60 to $120 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 21 and up. This Georgia boy lives by the motto "I do wut I do kus I want 2!" And this Memorial Day weekend, that means lap dances, "Money on the Floor," and long conversations with Blac Chyna at KOD.
Jim Jones and Juelz Santana. With DJs Q45 and Element, and D1THEMC. 10 p.m. Sunday, May 27, at SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1,500 via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Warning: The bubbly guzzling is gonna be entirely out of control at SoBe Live. And there might be a shortage come Sunday. In fact, this party's cohost, Juelz Santana, has already admitted, "We pop champagne! Ohh! We pop champagne! Ohh! We need more bottles! Tell 'em, hurry up! Ohh!"
Fabolous. 10 p.m. Sunday, May 27, at Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. Only a few weeks ago, according to an eyewitness, Fabolous: "12 dudes that weighed 300 pounds each and an extra 100 pounds for all of their bling jewelry" collapsed the stage at an NYC club party. And while Club Play is flawlessly constructed, shit happens, homie. So bring your hard hat and a flashlight just in case you need to dig through 10,000 pounds of rubble this Sunday night.
Cîroc Boys Invasion. With Meek Mill, French Montana, DJ Khaled, Funkmaster Flex, and Bonds. 10 p.m. Sunday, May 27, at Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Any lady who makes it to Mansion before 11:45 p.m. this Sunday gets in free. The first 200 females even receive a gratis bottle of booze. Now, normally, if five dudes were saying, "Yo, girl, come to my party and drink 750ml of vodka," we'd scream, "Trap!" But don't worry — the Cîroc Boys are perfect gentlemen.
Uncle Luke's Lingerie Freakfest. Hosted by Freaky Red. 10 p.m., Monday, May 28, at SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1,500 via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. After 72 sleepless hours of nonstop champagne drankin', ass shakin', mischief makin', cash wastin', and coochie poppin', most people would be ready for a nap. But not booty bass pioneer, 2 Live Crew legend, and New Times columnist Luther R. Campbell, AKA Uncle Luke. Still as nasty as he wants to be, this legendary 51-year-old hype man has the stamina of a teenage boy on little blue pills. And he's spending Monday night with "100 video vixens." The lesson: Keep it freaky for life.
