Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter in chief

Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter in chief
Giulio Sciorio

Miami Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison spends the morning of Valentine's Day 2012 at the nearly empty Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, Florida, the team's spring facility. He hits balls in a cage, sweats on a stationary bike, and works on stretching and strengthening his right knee. Morrison — who has been called stubborn, juvenile, and impatient but never lazy — underwent minor surgery on the knee in December, a result of a 2011 baseball season diving and slamming into outfield walls.

But on Twitter, the 24-year-old — or at least his virtual id, @LoMoMarlins — is looking for love. "After much deliberation," he thumb-pecks to almost 100,000 followers, "I've added motor boating @sofiavergara to my bucket list."

Sofia Vergara, for the woefully unacquainted, is a zeppelin-breasted Colombian actress. Motorboating, according to Urban Dictionary, is "the placement of one's face, specifically the mouth, into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts, followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion accompanied by yelling."

Asked what this story should be about, Morrison replied, "The overall awesomeness that's about to go down."
Giulio Sciorio
Asked what this story should be about, Morrison replied, "The overall awesomeness that's about to go down."
"He's a big ol' boy, dude," Bryan Petersen (left) says of teammate, best friend, and bubble bath partner Morrison (right).
"He's a big ol' boy, dude," Bryan Petersen (left) says of teammate, best friend, and bubble bath partner Morrison (right).

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Later he ruminates, "There are 3 certainties in life; Death, Taxes & I will trim my pubes on Feb 13th of every year."

He also announces that whichever of his female followers makes the best argument for being his Valentine will "get a signed ball from me (à la Derek Jeter)" — a reference to the report that the New York Yankees shortstop uses autographed memorabilia to bid au revoir to his one-night stands.

Then he reposts a photo of one of his female followers making out with another chick.

Over lunch after the morning workout, the muscular former Army brat complains about the coaches and teammates who loudly order him to put his phone away at the ballpark. "I've been here since 7:30 a.m. while you were still sleeping, bro," he tells these hypothetical foes. "I can tweet on the training table while I'm getting my knee massaged. So what? Want me to focus on getting my knee massaged?"

Last season, he paid a heavy price for his seemingly genetic inability to censor himself. A summer-long sports-section soap opera saw him criticize team owner Jeffrey Loria, dress down star shortstop Hanley Ramirez in the locker room, and poke fun at team president David Samson on Twitter. For those crimes against the regime, Morrison was demoted to the minors for ten days.

"I'll never forget it, but I'm over it," he says bitterly of the demotion. "You don't do something so drastic and want somebody to forget about it."

This week, thanks to $634 million in taxpayer money — $2.4 billion with interest, kids! — the perennially skinflint and mostly anonymous Marlins officially move from a dingy, converted football stadium in Miami Gardens to their new, retractable-domed home in Little Havana. They play the world champion St. Louis Cardinals April 4 at 7:05 p.m.

The new Miami Marlins have art deco-inspired uniforms and an already-infamous neon sculpture of flamingos and dolphins that rotates when the team hits one over the fence. ("I think we may be the first team to get beaned because of our home-run display," Morrison posits.) And for the first time in franchise history, the Fish also swim with the burden of expectations.

Ninety wins aren't a sure thing, but at least a few epic tantrums are. The team spent $191 million on some of the most expensive and loony personnel in the majors. Joining the rotation: human frowny face Carlos Zambrano, a pitcher arguably better known for hurling fists and water coolers than baseballs. Poached from the ruins of the New York Mets: stealthy shortstop Jose Reyes, setting the stage for a clash with hometown all-star Hanley Ramirez. (Ramirez is so divalicious that he once demanded a trade when asked to cut his hair. See his Twitter feed, @hanleyramirez, for some entertaining preseason Spanish-language rants against news outlets reporting his reluctance to move to third.)

To lead them? The totally unfiltered, and usually nonsensical, former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who once famously called a Chicago reporter a "faggot." Guillen has an active Twitter page of his own. As Logan tweeted: "I really hope Ozzies on-field instructions r easier 2 understand than his tweets. I literally have no idea what this dude is talking about."

To ensure the Marlins will be the Jersey Shore of our national pastime, the team has given complete access to camera crews for Showtime's reality series The Franchise.

For his part, Morrison is hoping Zambrano tosses around Gatorade coolers all summer. When it's remarked that the pitcher could be in the headlines every day, he shoots back, "Good. That way I won't be. I'm not an attention whore."

Morrison's iPhone rarely stops humming on the table in front of him as he downs a citrus chicken bowl at Burrito Bros., the surfer joint in Jupiter where he eats with his BFF Petey — Marlins back-up outfielder Bryan Petersen — almost every day during spring training.

The career-long roomies live in a rented condo a few minutes away. They carpool everywhere in Petey's Range Rover or Logan's late-model Toyota pickup. They spend the afternoons making goofy YouTube videos. (You might have seen a still of the heterosexual soul mates drinking red wine together in a bubble bath.) At night, Petey reads Howard Zinn, blogs about sustainable eating, and edits film. Morrison tweets.

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14 comments
Marlinsucks
Marlinsucks

Who gives a shit about this team, they stole from everybody when they built that shit stadium in the rat infested area of Miami. People are stupid if they go to see them but then again it's Miami.

Fair
Fair

A childish clown... a below average hitter who is looking for notoriety elsewhere to make up for his lack of prowess on the field. My only hope is that Logan goes into a psycho wacho fit someday and sits on the creep David Samson and takes a #2 UN-KOSHER dump on him, that is after Logan has eaten grits and greasy bacon.

TimpFeee
TimpFeee

lol OK thats jsut too funny fdude.

www.Total-Privacy dot US

Adonis Vowsen
Adonis Vowsen

Every one of his female followers, have for some reason have grown a feverish love for the latest Itunes sensation. 'The Flowers And Valentines Day Song'! The downloads continue to Rocket!!Thanks to everyone for your wonderful support!

http://www.tunecore.com/music/...

Kyle
Kyle

Why isn't Morrison taking advantage of himself? God..if I had his swing, power, and body build I wouldn't even have a facebook... The dude is funny and all, but all he does is act like a dweeb. New stadium is nice, and the team will be fun to follow. But I honestly dont think Reyes is enough to lead a squad of cartoon characters to a postseason.

Jane W
Jane W

lomo's a piece of shit tool with a bad knee,which will be blown out by June 1st

randrand run
randrand run

LACK OF MARLINS COMMENTS SPEAKS VOLUMES-THE PEOPLE AIN'T INTO THE STADIUM, THE HYPE-AND THEY ARE HUNGRY AND BROKE! WHAT A BONER THIS PUSH WAS FROM THE OUTSET--------------

Billy the marlin
Billy the marlin

Obviously U dont know shit about the Marlins...Gaby Sanchez has been the 1stbaseman for over 2 seasons, not Stanton ,who plays RF..get a clue and stick to soccer,

D Samson
D Samson

Is a curmudgeon the polar opposite off a 24yr old twitter geek displaying the maturity level and humor of a 14 yr old teenager going thru puberty, that trys to get laughs from fart jokes,and other assorted high school jokes????

PattyA
PattyA

He does take advantage of himself.....he makes himself out to be a jerk-off every day.....

FredtheToolsAgent
FredtheToolsAgent

lomo's not a piece of shit tool...he's just a wise ass jock ,trying to make a name for himself by purpously acting like a tool to get attention,,,hoping to make some money out of the deal, before his questionable baseball career ends abruptly due to injury...cant blame a tool for that..

 
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