The cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man, and never fails to see a bad one. He is a human owl, vigilant in darkness, and blind to light, mousing for vermin, and never seeing noble game.
By Terrence McCoy
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By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
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By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
Florida is not known for its criminal brilliance. Just in the past month, the Sunshine State has seen a meth addict accidentally burn down the state's oldest tree, a drunk driver rear-end another car while wearing a butt plug, and a man arrested for masturbating while making monkey sounds on the beach.
Despite all this illegal insanity, we're naming Miami's own Miguel Angel Esquilin as Florida's dumbest criminal. His prize will likely be yet another stretch in the slammer for the veteran offender, who has been arrested at least 16 times on dozens of charges from assault to cocaine possession to loitering.
Esquilin, a short man with a shaved head, sauntered into ABC Fine Wine & Spirits on the evening of Tuesday, February 7, fresh off his latest prison stint for a January 3 petty theft conviction.
He dropped his backpack near the counter and went straight for the good stuff in the back. A few minutes later, Esquilin bent over to retrieve his bag and leave. According to a police report, that's when store clerk Steward Kofman caught sight of a bottle of Jack Daniel's stuffed inside Esquilin's shirt.
When Kofman asked for the bottle, Esquilin began yelling angrily. And when Kofman and store manager Yaminah Sutton tried to block the would-be robber's exit, Esquilin exploded, allegedly shoving the clerk through a store display.
That's when his brilliant plan began unraveling. As he tussled with Kofman, Esquilin dropped the bottle of booze and a backpack full of clothes. Even then, Esquilin's attempted five-finger discount might have gone unreported had he not dropped something else too: his jailhouse booking photo, complete with his name and jail number on it.
Esquilin may be Florida's dumbest criminal, but he has competition in the category of overall incompetence. This year's early favorite? The North Miami Beach Police. They still haven't caught him.