Jeremy Lin, avoid Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian

Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke counsels New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin.

The New York Knicks and Jeremy Lin are coming to town this Thursday, February 23, to take on the Miami Heat. My advice to Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni: Lock the Asian-American sensation in his hotel room until tip-off. Now that Lin is an overnight superstar, every female groupie from South Beach to Fort Lauderdale will want to get him into bed. That's one of the benefits of being an NBA baller.

Lin isn't ready for the power of the coochie. He's no Tim Tebow. Why do I say that? First of all, Lin has a Harvard degree and Tebow got his college education at the University of Florida. That's like comparing a rocket scientist to a Honda mechanic. Also, Tebow has won a collegiate national title and the Heisman Trophy, so he's used to girls testing his decision to stay a virgin until marriage.

C. Stiles

But Lin was just another unknown D-leaguer before breaking out this season. He's not used to the headlines and babes fawning all over him. Until recently, he was sleeping on his brother's couch and couldn't have gotten laid in Rio de Janeiro during Carnaval. Last week, I'm sure he had every fine model who strutted the catwalk during New York Fashion Week waiting for him outside Madison Square Garden.

Next thing you know, Lin will be walking through Central Park holding hands with a tall, beautiful girl who looks like Tom Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen.

I wouldn't be surprised to see Kim Kardashian sitting courtside this Thursday night at the American Airlines Arena. She and every come-up reality show star will be the first ones to try to snag Lin. Paris Hilton is gonna run up to him at LIV and say, "Oh, Jeremy, what's up, big boy? Or something like that..."

Then two years down the road, Gisele's clone will divorce Jeremy because he has turned into a sex maniac like Tiger Woods. Lin will be on the cover of the National Enquirer, naked, at some wild orgy featuring foreign NBA players like Tony Parker and Dirk Nowitzki. And his pretty model wife will walk away with half his fortune and endorsement deals.

My advice to Lin: Beware the power of the coochie.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

 
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20 comments
Khorinight
Khorinight

I'd say, don't get MARRIED! If you make that mistake, have her sign a pre-nup. Second, always where a F$%KIN' condom. Plain and simple. Make sure you don't spend so much!

Vivek Ganju
Vivek Ganju

Jeremy Lin is American. Was raised and went to high school in Cupertino. Not a "foreign NBA player" such as Tony Parker or Dirk Nowitzki, or whatever that is supposed to mean.

Biggita2
Biggita2

Oh wow....stereotyping asian much? Im sure he has been with plenty of girls before. In addition, he's smart and modest, he will make good decisions.

Cobra
Cobra

Vegas has 5 to 1 odds Lin will go on a date with Kim Kardashian before the Finals.

Grace_Jones
Grace_Jones

what makes this article funny is that you use the word "coochie" in a way that incites some laughs because a woman's strength and courage to be powerful (in her relationship as a supportive wife and mother, as a keen business person, and as a woman who will not take crap from any yo-yo man-partner who cheats on their marriage as a sacred commitment) is less acknowledged or admired these days, especially in the media, and so it strikes a familiar chord for people to hear the word "coochie" over vagina or "pussy." this "jokey" article is just under the radar of being racist... the asian-american racist and sexist stereotyping you create is blatant and I can read the lines that are being inferred...just as much as it undercuts the image of women - hardworking women, women as mothers and as the backbones of celebrity marriages or any marriage for that matter, Oh I'd 'd love to see you write a the same article about venus williams at the start of her career and replace the word "coochie" with "cock"...or "dick"... Oh..........wow..... I don't think that would fly...

Marjorie
Marjorie

LOL..too funny.I did say that now he is so hhot he does have his choice of KarTrashian....

LinFTW
LinFTW

You really think Jeremy couldn't get laid before he hit the big time? LOL, why is that I wonder? Could it be because you don't think Asians bring game? What a bunch of nonsense, dude had a degree from Harvard with a 3.2 GPA, played in the NBA, and was team hero, and actually women do like nice guys, it's the ones that are trashy that get all the attention. Jeremy probably had more opportunities than the author of this article, and he seems to have handled it strictly according to his faith.

mauidano
mauidano

That is absolutely hilarious! The funniest thing? It's probably close to the truth. Beware Jeremy, beware!!!

cubanogm
cubanogm

Luke thinks that Lin is going to behave like a black NBA player actually like all the blacks in sports.That kind of behavior is typically for blacks but everybody else is a decent and have nothing to prove.Asians in the USA are well behaved and well balanced individuals comming from stable homes where both parents are well balanced and well behaved people.Blacks come from single mother homes and alcoholic parents and the like.I think this man is measuring everybody by the black standards and those are very low.Hey Luke get real.Lin is not black.

Senh V
Senh V

Dude you're funny as hell. "Then two years down the road, Gisele's clone will divorce Jeremy because he has turned into a sex maniac like Tiger Woods." LOL. You should do standup comedy.

Drake Mallard
Drake Mallard

To Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian there is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!

Ben
Ben

Funny write up Luther. Thanks for the laughs.

Donnieward
Donnieward

Luke is entitled to his opinions for he has free speech if you don't like it, than don't READ! you must be a chink lover or something

n n
n n

Lin is also not a bigot, so he probably doesn't want nor need your kind 'supporting' him. Your comment is identical to those who tried to blame the Virginia Tech student killing spree on the color of his skin making him go nuts.

ANON
ANON

You're a racist idiot. Really blacks come from single mother homes and alcoholic parents. Bigot without facts - you watch entirely too much television, your attempt at facts based on sterotypes, LOL. Somewhere along the line you obviously either were taught your bigot opinions or you were either extremely jealous and got passed over by a black brother in sports or by a girl possibly. Besides it's clear that you have an issue with blacks so WTH are you even following Luke's Gospel? LMAO

JLee
JLee

Dude, stop playing the race card. I can assure you that Asians can be as nasty as they wanna be. This is not limited to blacks alone and can be seen in whites, reds, yellows, browns and every imaginable color. Oh, by the way I am Asian and live in the US. In his own way Luther is giving some sound advice for Lin - that is not to be corrupted by fame.

PaulyG
PaulyG

That's not even remotely funny. You're a fucking idiot.

Anon
Anon

No PaulyG, you're an idiot for even following, reading and commenting on Luke's Gospel since you too seem to despise him. LMAO. Hater-Aide!!!!!!!!

PaulyG
PaulyG

What? Why would I "despise" him, you fucking idiot? All I said was that wasn't funny, which it wasn't. And who says "Hater-Aide"? You nerd.

 
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