By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
Welcome to the second annual Bruise Cruise Festival, "a three-day tropical rock extravaganza" set to sail outta the Port of Miami and straight for Nassau, Bahamas, like some kinda dream ship for cool kids in search of a spring break that doesn't suck.
The passenger list: You and a giddy mob of 499 Bruisers, plus a rad roundup of your favorite indie celebs including cerebral punk crew Fucked Up, garagey shamans King Khan & the Shrines, two of the Vivian Girls, superstar cover band the Togas, and Cali rock crazies Thee Oh Sees. And don't forget cruise vets Quintron & Miss Pussycat and Mr. Jonathan Toubin, punk legend Jello Biafra, weirdo comic Neil Hamburger, and a bunch of other totally awesome onboard entertainers.
170 NE 38th St.
Miami, FL 33137
Category: Bars and Clubs
Region: Midtown/Wynwood/Design District
1015 N. America Way
Miami, FL 33132
Category: Historic Landmarks
According to this seafaring fest's schedule of events, each and every Bruiser will enjoy "multiple concerts, comedy hours, puppet shows, dance parties, karaoke, dating games, conga lines, advice sessions, lectures, dance classes, and workout hours" as well as all the usual amenities (i.e., nine-hole minigolf course, water park, resort-style pools, hot tubs, card rooms, and a 24-hour self-serve sundae bar) to be expected from a floating theme park such as the 70,000-ton fantasy-class Carnival Imagination.
Believe it or not, though, the bruisin' and cruisin' will actually begin before the ship even steams out of port. On both Wednesday and Thursday nights, just after sundown, a half-thousand hyped-up vacationers will flee their hotels to descend upon Miami's Design District for a night of supercold brew, killer tuneage, and sloppy networking with strangers. That's right, we're talking about the Bruise Cruise Two-Night Kickoff Party at local rock club the Stage, which means this little lost weekend at sea is all set to last a whole lot longer than 72 hours. In fact, you can pretty much double the running time.
And that's why New Times has assembled this unofficial, expanded Bruise Cruise party plan. At some point over the next five days, you will get unbelievably wasted, eat too much buffet grub, party till you puke, fall asleep in the Jacuzzi, and then wake up with absolutely no idea whether it's time to partake of Puppets & Pancakes or play the Dating Game. So keep these pages in your driest pocket and let us be your lighthouse.
Wednesday, February 8
1 p.m. The Voyage Has (Almost) Begun. Take a pee, guzzle a gallon of water, and choke down a five-day dose of multivitamins. Then catch a nice six-hour nap. This is your last chance to not party till next week.
8 p.m. Head for the Stage. Your iPhone died. The alarm didn't go off. You're already late. So hurry up and get dressed. Um, you packed a tie-dye tank top, nighttime sunglasses, and ironic water wings, right?
9:15 p.m. Preshow Pick-Up Sesh. Single, horny, and bored? Grab a couple of drinks from the Stage's bar and go cruisin' for an eligible Bruiser.
11:37 p.m. Meet Blowfly at the Bruise Cruise Kickoff, Day One. In the spirit of "explor[ing] the nightlife and culture of South Florida," the Bruise Cruise board of executives has asked the 305's most distinguished cultural ambassador — superfilthy 70-year-old rapper Blowfly — to showcase his skills, i.e., singing "Should I Fuck this Big Fat Ho?" to the tune of the Clash's 1982 classic, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"
Thursday, February 9
3:37 p.m. Wake-Up Call. What? Where? How? You might never fully reconstruct the scrambled 16-hour sequence of semiforgotten events that led to waking up in the back seat of a busted-up Buick beside a Bruiser named Scout with the phrase "I wanna be fellated" scrawled in red pen across your stomach. But we all know the cure for random blackouts, brutal hangovers, and bad decisions, right?
4 p.m. Booze Breakfast. Get ripped on cheap rum and rid your brain of last night's leftover memories. It's almost time for the Bruise Cruise Kickoff! Again!
8 p.m. Get Fucked Up at the Bruise Cruise Kickoff, Day Two. Your final night ashore in South Florida is gonna be spent getting totally Fucked Up. And no, we don't mean intoxicated. We're referring to that aforementioned "cerebral punk crew," a six-piece sonic-destruction machine led by a 300-pound human wrecking ball named Father Damian. You, your fellow Bruisers, and the Stage will soon be reduced to smoking rubble. And it'll feel amazing.
Friday, February 10
1 p.m. Register for Bruiser Credentials. Scoring cool-kid cred has never been so simple! Just show up at the Port of Miami with a valid passport, drag your ass aboard the Carnival Imagination, and sign on the dotted line!
3:30 p.m. Cruisin' Safety Briefing. Sure, it might seem like an awesome idea to skip the safety briefing to go get sloshed on piña coladas in the Mirage Bar. But it's absolutely imperative that you learn emergency cruise ship procedure. So stay sober and take notes, 'cause you never know when your captain might go loco, start spinning doughnuts in some uncharted part of the Atlantic Ocean, and crash into an underwater volcano.
4:30 p.m. Discover Your Swag Bag. There's nothing cooler than free shit. And each and every Bruiser gets a tote filled with gratis goodies, including beer koozies, limited-edition vinyl records, and even a sheet of temporary tattoos. Obviously, though, we suggest you begin by getting acquainted with that complimentary bottle of wine.