Mitt Romney must be destroyed: 15 reasons to stop the Mormon cyborg

Rick Perry has dropped out of the race and returned to Racial Slur Hideaway, Herman Cain is now making unwanted advances on his housecats, Rick Santorum's last name is a synonym for booty juice, and Newt Gingrich is an angry, sexed-up troll with facial hemorrhoids.

Even with Newt's victory in South Carolina, the smart money is on Mitt Romney to win Florida's GOP primary and the Republican nod. Which might be the worst result of all. Because careful analysis reveals Romney is the Mormon cyborg replication of George W. Bush. And say what you want about Barack Obama's lily liver — even Karl Rove doesn't want to return to an America of WMD hysteria and half-digested pretzels.

Here, then, are our carefully chosen reasons why Mitt Romney should not be allowed near the White House even on a group tour.

Mark Poutenis

1. He's a sneaky little tax cretin. Romney won't release his tax records, but he has admitted to paying a 15 percent rate — less than your average middle-class cubicle dweller. He hides his wealth offshore. He said his earnings from speakers' fees are "not very much," but it turns out he made $375,000 babbling last year.

2. He Mao'd the 2002 Olympics. Romney won't shut up about how he saved the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics from the grips of harrowing Juarez-esque corruption and mismanagement. But does anybody remember how creepy he was during those games? He put his despotic likeness on official pins, for Christ's sake.

3. His face is generic. It's the Chrysler Sebring rental car of faces. If we were him, we'd start a boxing career pronto just to give it some freakin' character. Also, his stupid white sideburns are clearly deliberate and make us retch.

4. His holy prophet was a rock-seeking schizophrenic con man. Mormonism's OG, Joseph Smith, was a self-proclaimed magician who charged three bucks to find minerals in people's back yards. Sounds a lot like Romney's oil-drilling plan.

5. He flip-flops on abortion. He experienced a "conversion" on the issue of abortion as he prepared to run for president and has pissed off both pro-life and pro-choice camps with his policies and statements. Do you love fetuses or not, Mittens?

6. His sons are annoying robots. He has five dead-eyed, grinning progeny. The only one who didn't go into business or politics is a doctor. (Gasp! That involves science!) One of his sons is named Tagg. We suspect that a sixth son, who was into rock music and cigarettes, was ritually murdered by the family and buried behind their compound.

7. His supporters wave foam baseball mitts. The implication is that if you like baseball, you like Mitt Romney. The truth is the opposite: Baseball fans like beer, vintage T-shirts, and Pablo Sandoval.

8. His real first name is Willard. He should be selling stamps in a post office in the 1940s. Or he should be a large dog, or a hulking but harmless man-child in a village in Maine.

9. He's just the whitest man to ever live. Including the principal from Saved by the Bell.

10. He went to Café Versailles and couldn't drink Cuban coffee. He also can't have Beer Summits. Or Cigarette Showdowns. Vladimir Putin would laugh in this guy's face.

11. He's an empty cipher with no real identity. He was born in Detroit and has lived in New Hampshire, California, and Utah and governed Massachusetts. Shifty. Can't trust him.

12. He was in a pep club. That means he was a male cheerleader, just like Dubya. Scratch our earlier statement — Putin would impale this guy with a whale harpoon.

13. The horrid Diaz-Balart brothers endorse him. Our local Republican dynasty also endorses foot fungus. And McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

14. He did his Mormon mission in France. You're supposed to go to, like, Sarajevo and help load dead bodies onto trains while starving babies suckle at your nipples. Instead, Romney skipped out of Vietnam duty by working as a missionary in France, where he lived in a fancy palace. Ooh, baguettes. And mild rudeness. Sounds agonizing.

15. He's probably a big ol' racist. Romney has tried to distance himself from the racist beliefs of traditional Mormonism. But he was a missionary when his church was still teaching that God cursed black people with their skin color as a punishment for refusing to fight Lucifer. Also, did we mention his stupid face?

 
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19 comments
azbluesgal
azbluesgal

I needed a little comic relief today. thank you. but seriously...lets baptize all the people who ever died and then the world be be all right.....yeah....i can't stand it..

t22c
t22c

Nice job Gus... it's writing and opinions (no facts) like yours that just got me to cancel my subscription.

Mknudsen7
Mknudsen7

Boo! I'm not a Romney fan, and I couldn't even finish reading the article. It was just awful and ridiculous. You could have at least tried to make it funny

Frankfurt08
Frankfurt08

Piss Poor... Piss poor... Just wow. Misinformation, major generalizations, and plain incompetence. The little credibility this "newspaper" had, just left with the morally bankrupt soul who wrote this filth.

Tom
Tom

Oh my goodness is this actually Journalism?!?!?!

Sure this isn't a joke newspaper??

What a disgrace to all hardworking professional journalists out there!

JC
JC

Seriously Miami NewTimes, you should really pull this mess you call news. By definition, news hinges upon reporting recent events that are factual. News should rely only on proper sources and most importantly should be unbiased.

This article is at best an opinion piece and it is poorly written. Maybe it’s time that Miami NewTimes review again a code of media ethics. You have violated all of them. For those who are unfamiliar with them, they include the following:

1) Report only the truth. It’s easy to make up stuff or exaggerate. It’s much harder to check facts and get it right.2) Privacy matters. As a reporter you may uncover things about someone that is true and salacious, but not everything should be reported. Publication is not necessarily justified simply because the information is true. 3) Fantasy is fiction. Fantasy is a literary work based on the imagination and not necessarily on fact.4) Taste. Taste is the sense of what is proper, seemly, or least likely to give offense in a given social situation.

Posting opinion pieces like this are harmful in that it brings into question every other article posted by this publication. If the writer had real issues with Mitt Romney, they should state them in a clear and concise manner. They should include facts and reference where they found these facts. If I didn’t know any better I would think that this was written by someone at TMZ.

xxixpines
xxixpines

Well Gus, the reality is the more foks that cry in the comments,The more nerves you struck.Good Job!

David Paul
David Paul

Did I mention you're an idiot? Cut yourself.

Kev
Kev

Haha, this guy, Gus, must be joking. Is this a real newspaper? Can I speak to your Director so that I can laugh at him for ever hiring you? You can tell when someone writes a good article because they join in on the conversation. If you had written a good article then all the comments would reflect that by saying Romney sucks. Well, all the comments show just the opposite. You suck.

Abel
Abel

Look, I love the MNT, but bullshit like this doesn't endear you to anyone and is an embarrassment to your publication. It makes you less a newspaper and more Perez Hilton. Cut this BS and spend your time writing things that matter and will have an impact, not a poorly written tumblr blog post.

Frank
Frank

This article is horribly written, mean spirited, inaccurate, and completely pathetic. Miami New Times should be completely embarrassed that this has been associated with them. It's hard to imagine that people like Gus exist among us (and equally hard to imagine that this man is employed, apparently, as a writer . . .). All this article did was make me like Romney.

David Nakken
David Nakken

Are there really guys like this posing as journalists. This is not just mean spritited but it makes no sense. You obviously need some counceling to deal with some deep rooted insecurities in your own life to print such garbage. You may not agree with Mitt Romney, but this characterization of the Mormon Faith is rediculous. This is no more or less relevant than being a Christian of other Faiths. You need to get out more. This kind of trash is why Newt said of the press. "you cause good men not to run for office".

Tyler Smith
Tyler Smith

Those are the top 15 reasons? Wow, I think you've sealed my vote if that's the worst of him. He doesn't drink or smoke, his picture was on a pin, he's white (all presidents have been white, even Obama is half white), his dad named him Willard, pep-club, France. Really?? Looks pretty good to me.

At least he didn't cheat on a 1st wife with cancer and a 2nd wife with MS. (Gingrich)At least he has proved he's successful with money, rather than spending trillions. (Obama)

VikingZag
VikingZag

Did you get paid to write this? I think your employer is in trouble if this is what it prints. It's not even humorous, which might have slightly mitigated the issue of convoluted and misdirected attacks at Romney's religion. Please find a different job, because this one just isn't working for you.

Natedogsmith
Natedogsmith

This article is pure garbage. How someone can even get away writing an article like this today is beyond me. This reporting is some of the worst, I've seen, and unfortunately I wasted a part of my life reading it. Gus, you and the Miami New Times should be ashamed.

T
T

Wow, even with a name like Gus you still wouldn't have predicted an article so dimwitted, ignorant, and boring.

I hope you didn't quit your day job to become a writer.

Biff Boffo
Biff Boffo

What a sad, pathetic hack piece. Since when have whining and ad hominem attacks been enough justification for the publishing of an opinion piece? This article is not worth the electrons used to post it and your editor should be ashamed.

xxixpines
xxixpines

He might not have done those things, but he is an equal with Newt, not better

 
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