Clubber Crime: Five Types

September's fatal shooting at Nocturnal got us wondering: What really goes on behind the velvet ropes in Miami's most chichi clubs? Our sickly journalist physique hardly qualified us to infiltrate the tanned and Ed Hardy-clad world, so instead we requested 12 months of police reports from one SoBe hot spot: Mynt Lounge.

To be abundantly clear: Mynt is no worse than its competitors. Records show Miami Beach cops received 81 calls from Mynt over the past year, compared to 76 from nearby Club Play and 139 from Dream Nightclub. Mynt's owner declined to comment about the incidents we found, but after reviewing 31 Miami Beach PD reports from October 2010 through October 2011, we can say this: SoBe clubs are as full of sketchy characters as any other corner of the Magic City. Here are five crimes to watch for amid the thumpin' house beats:

1. Thievery: Of the 31 reports at Mynt, a third were for theft: purses, cell phones, even a fur coat. One woman told cops she was drugged and then robbed. Another clubgoer found his pockets had been sliced open. No one was arrested in any of the cases.

2. Drunk and disorderly: People get crunk up in da club; then they get arrested. According to an arrest report, one 21-year-old customer was so wasted this past April 1 he began grabbing strangers. Then he helped himself to bottles from the VIP tables. (The charges were later dropped.) When security guards asked another clubber to stop groping dancers, he pissed into a trash can. "I just couldn't hold it any longer," he told them. (Those charges were also dropped.)

3. Coke possession: This July, one patron allegedly refused to pay a $1,318.90 bar tab. Not the smartest move, considering cops found a plastic baggie full of coke in his pants.

4. Random violence: In February, a clubber took on cops outside. "Fuck you — let's fight," he told them before body-slamming the nearest officer. He later entered a deferred prosecution program to avoid jail time.

5. General douchebaggery: What could be more Miami than a disgruntled clubber throwing crumpled-up dollar bills across the velvet rope at a bouncer? That's exactly what one classy fella allegedly did April 17. "Let me in," he said. "I have money." Enough in the bank, evidently, to get his battery, trespassing, and resisting arrest charges dropped.