By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
For the past 68 days, local rock messiahs the Jacuzzi Boys have been Glazin' across the nation, delivering the good word to 35 bastions of unfettered heathenism from New Orleans to Austin, Detroit, Brooklyn, Nashville, and beyond.
But now, having converted a sufficient number of America's children to the gospel of surfy garage, the Boys' tour is finally over. So this Saturday, Miami's own chosen ones will return to the promised land (AKA Churchill's Pub) for a long-awaited homecoming show.
And because lead singer Gabriel Alcala kinda looks like a postpubescent, hipster Jesus Christ, we at New Times suggest you make like a wise man and bring a gift — gold, frankincense, myrrh, or maybe a baggie of bush weed. Just don't show up empty-handed like a dumb, drunk nonbeliever.
5501 NE 2nd Ave.
Miami, FL 33137
Category: Bars and Clubs
Region: Midtown/Wynwood/Design District
A baggie of bush weed: Faithful members of the flock often shun the use of cannabis. But those people are sheep. And like the Rastas, acolytes of rock fully believe marijuana is a holy herb. Give the gift of ganja.
A plaster cast of your penis: In the Middle Ages, monks sometimes made plaster death masks from the placid visages of dead saints. Several centuries later, a crafty '60s groupie named Cynthia Plaster Caster immortalized the greatest cocks in rock, creating permanent copies of Jimi Hendrix's and others' fully erect private parts. Flip this tradition on its head and prove the intensity of your fanaticism by providing the Jacuzzis with a plasterized duplication of your penis!
A special pair of underwear: There are worshippers in this world who rock a special pair of underwear — all day, every day — just to ward off Satan's lusty advances. The Jacuzzi Boys don't need to worry about evil spirits. But we can guarantee they would still love a set of magic panties. Well, as long as they aren't soiled. Keep it clean, believers.