Mormons: Hate 'em or elect 'em

Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in Washington., D.C., for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Texas Gov. Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway but also actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans — and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons had been considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress-shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

Why do Mormons worship Satan?

They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of operations here on Earth.

Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York, in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.

Alas, the buried gem market in upstate New York wasn't as expected; otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.

As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.

So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?

No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of upstate New York claimed to be prophets, since it paid better than having x-ray ground vision.

Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower — the ability to decipher tablets written in ancient languages by scribes who weren't regarded for their penmanship.

He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."

He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?

Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God Is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Reverend Jeffress.

Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside Cleveland.

What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?

Exactly. Pretty soon, they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.

Is that where he went perv?

Yes. Pretty soon God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.

The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.

Bonus round: Smith's money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank.

But like Reverend Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Not only was polygamy was heresy, but also the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.

So the Christians naturally asked themselves: "What would Jesus do?" Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their asses to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.

So you don't want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?

No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.

Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim's Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Plus they believed in magic underwear, which contained supercelestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven.

Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, "What would Jesus do?" Jesus mentioned it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith's ass. So they did.

Did he get 72 virgins for being a martyr?

No, but a very nice bundt cake was served at his Going Away to Heaven Party.

The problem was that God had forgotten to appoint Smith's successor. So his followers became prophets of their own. Their revelations told them to excommunicate, poison, and assassinate their rivals. Some encountered an even more tragic fate: They were forced to move to Pittsburgh.

In the end, Brigham Young arranged for the church to be run by 12 disciples.

But isn't Brigham Young a football team?

No. It's actually a college that saw fleeting fame after discovering that Samoans were good at football. Then the Samoans realized that Mormons don't drink, which meant that dorm parties were totally lame. They all transferred to USC.

So how did that whole Occupy Utah thing come about?

We're getting to that. Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse. But prospectors heading for the California Gold Rush narked 'em out and reported that they were creating their own polygamous kingdom, which was seen as treasonous. Eastern Christians bagged on President James Buchanan for letting wild sex orgies take place, because they hadn't been invited. So Buchanan dispatched the Army to see what was up with that.

Is that when the Mormons went terrorist?

Yes. By 1857, they took the offensive, torching Army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan's troops from reaching Utah. They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point, they killed 120 unarmed men, women, and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday school.

Yet Buchanan was in no mood to start a war in Utah. The feds were soon to battle the South, and there were tons of Indians who still required slaughtering. So the feds and the Mormons reached a truce.

So when did they stop going perv?

In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn't even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies, or used caffeine.

They can't drink coffee?

No. That means if Mitt Romney becomes president, the government will be open only from noon to 5 p.m., and he'll be really crabby if Pakistan starts a nuclear war during Good Morning America.

But wouldn't our country suck if it was just like Utah?

Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing. Have you ever tried buying a shot of whiskey in Salt Lake City? It's like fishing for lobster in a parking garage.

I heard Mormons don't like black people.

They didn't — past tense. Until 1978, Mormons wouldn't let blacks into Heaven. But this created problems. Young Mormons are required to do two years of unpaid missionary work. When they went door-to-door in Detroit, they encountered uncomfortably long silences. So church elders had a revelation to let black people in. They may have been ten years behind Southern Christians in their racial policies.

But aren't Mormons a bunch of damn socialists?

Yes and no. Joseph Smith prophesied of building a New Jerusalem in Jackson County. To make it happen, he urged followers to give up all their property for equal redistribution.

But his flock thought his commie revelation sucked, so he put the blueprints in storage.

Prominent modern Mormons — like Glenn Beck and Romney — have since had revelations of their own. They assert that what Smith was really trying to say is that Mormons should give all their money to very large corporations, whose excess divinity would eventually trickle down to everyone else.

Most Mormons today prefer the revised prophesy.

So should we hate these guys or not?

Your call. Mormons might be lesser perverts than Catholics, and not nearly as mean as the Baptists. But if Romney declares martial law and forces you to get naked with a squadron of babushkas, don't come whining to us.

As Reverend Jeffress might counsel, the wise man always hates first and asks questions later — if only to stay on the right side of Jesus.

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Nanci Little
Nanci Little

Completely accurate. Read 'Under the Banner of Heaven' which is a book about a murder in the Mormon community and completely accurate.. but it is the background of the faith which interested me the most.. Shocked me, actually! Great book, btw.

Jerod Killick
Jerod Killick

Without A Testimony is also a good read. A personal story of love and loss.

sunshineheart
sunshineheart

I was an active Mormon for 50 years, and this article sounds pretty accurate to me, even if it is slightly irreverent and tongue-in-cheek.

AG
AG

This is the most infantile attempt at humor column I've ever read! Get the facts straight and show some professionalism in your writing instead of using demeaning, ridiculing words and rethoric, and portraying a Christian faith in such scornful manner mixing truth/facts with your own ideas, interpretation, and mckery. Very unprofessional and disrespectful!

Romney is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (get it right); however our faith does not impose it on anyone (we offer what we have and others accept IF they want---Distort this as you wish!) and would NOT impose it on the country! So it's absolutely ridiculous your coffee comment and just the whole entire article! I wouldn't be surprise if the writer is an ex-member of the faith or just very childish writer!

Nancilittle00
Nancilittle00

Ah.. you may want to see what the Mormons are doing in Orlando before you continue with that line of rhetoric..

Cariocakoanibear
Cariocakoanibear

thought the article was very well written and hilarious ... the story sounds true and you people defenders of your religions should all mellow out ... your faith is your faith it shouldn't matter what others think about it ...

Sparticus_arch
Sparticus_arch

Wow. Totally offensive. The author of this article is totally ridiculous. And what is more amazing is that below-average-intelligence Americans will read this trash and think it's the truth. I recognize that everyone has the right to live as they choose, and that everyone has the right to free speech. But electing to treat what someone holds sacred as nothing more than tabloid material is crossing the line. Can't wait 'til it all hits the fan... then we'll see how things shake out.

Jonwards
Jonwards

[Miami...Here's a little something the web disgorged all over me! Enjoy!]

MORMONISM OKAYS PORN

by Jared Young

Both Mormon and non-Mormon scholars are aware of a hard-core pornographic drawing in the "Book of Abraham" which is Mormon-approved scripture. The same Book is part of the "Pearl of Great Price" which, along with the "Book of Mormon" and the "Doctrine and Covenants," make up the LDS church's "triple combination" in one volume. The porn is found in Fig. 7 of Facsimile 2 in the "Book of Abraham" which shows two beings facing each other, which were described by Joseph Smith as representing the Holy Ghost and God the Father, the latter clearly showing an aroused male sex organ. After Smith published this sketch in his newspaper in 1842, which offended Mormon sensibilities, the phallic portion was whited out for more than a century until the "restored" LDS church decided in 1981 to restore what had long been censored! Equally shocking was the discovery that the "Book of Abraham" had nothing to do with Abraham or his God but was actually based on ancient Egyptian funeral documents depicting occultic obscene practices - and the original sketches showed an erotic phallus on both beings including the one Smith blasphemously claimed was the Holy Ghost! For further information see "Book of Abraham" (Wikipedia). Also see Jerald and Sandra Tanner's "Mormonism - Shadow or Reality?" which on 76 pages reproduces the original Egyptian X-rated drawings and shows how Smith altered them and created one of his many frauds. Highlights of the classic Tanner work can be seen by typing "Facts From Mormons" and "What LDS Leaders Say" on Yahoo.

Brian Young
Brian Young

I'm not sure why I read anything from Yahoo news...this article mixes humor with truth and lots of opinion that is fairly offensive. I'm not Mormon. But any critical thinking writer really ought to look at the teachings of the church and analyze it that way. To analyze the church "only" by its followers would be less than thorough. For example, from what I understand, the Mormon Church teaches that eventually when an individual reaches heaven he/she can become god or god like. A careful analysis of the faith compared to what Protestants/Catholics believe would be useful. The author's comment about the Catholic Church would no doubt discuss all the "bad catholics" of world history...thus showing in his mind how bad the Church is, without discussing actually what the Church teaches.

Whiskey_Tango
Whiskey_Tango

Are you sure you are not a Mormon? You sure sound like one to me?

John Proctor
John Proctor

Heavens to Jihad, Why don't we just go out and kill all the imperfect people ? I wonder how many would be left. Ndn nfl, you don't know me. You don't know my education level. You only know I'm a Mormon. I am going to give you a taste of your own medicine and see how you like it. You are a narrow minded , shallow thinking , bigoted , hypocritical , jerk who doesn't believe there is a God, you think you are God. Your stupidity is only surpassed by your unjustifiable arrogance. If there has been anyone guilty of piggishness it's you. You sound like you would make one great Nazi. Give them a call jerk, they love creeps like you. By the way, besides Mormons, who else do you hate ? Also can you recommend a perfect religion who's members have never done anything wrong ? Just in case you belong to some sort of Christian Church , A stretch of the imagination I'll admit, in the Bible hatred is condemned as evil . Jesus said git the beam out of your own eye before trying to get the mote out of someone else.

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

MORMONS DID A LOT TO PLENTY OF PEOPLE TO BE DESERVING OF HATE AND SCORN JOHN,,,DOES THAT BOTHERED YOU? MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND A LITTLE TIME FIGURING OUT WHY THEY ARE HATED INSTEAD OF SWALLOWING THE LIES HOOK LINE AND SINKER!!! MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT MINIMIZING AND EXCUSING THE PIGGISH BEHAVIOR OF YOUR FELLOW ANIMALS,,,IF YOU REACH A POINT WHERE YOU CAN THINK FOR YOURSELF WITHOUT BEING TOLD WHAT TO THINK, DO, WEAR, EAT, DRINK, AND ETC,,,WE MIGHT START TO THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE JOINED THE HUMAN RACE,,,UNTIL THEN,,,YOUR JUST ANOTHER GANGSTER ANIMAL, TRYING TO JUSTIFY YOUR MISERABLE GREEDY EXISTENCE! BTW,,,ANTI MORMON CRUSADER??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!MAYBE PEOPLE ARE BITTER AND HOSTILE BECAUSE WE KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE, AND NOT JUST WHAT YOU'VE DONE IN THE PAST,,,BUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW,,SO QUIT PLAYING THE VICTIME!! THERE ARE MANY OTHERS THAT MORMONS HAVE GIVEN THAT DUBIOUS HONOR TO!!!

John Proctor
John Proctor

Robert339, You speak so scornfully of the Mormon Church as tho they had done something to you. Have they ? Another possibility occurs to me. Are you an Ex-Mormon ? The bitterness in your language and hostility you express seams very personal . It is un-mistakeable. The last possibility can only be you are an Anti-Mormon crusader. Are you ?If your opinions are blinded by your own bigotry you are a discredited witness.

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

EXCEPT ROBERT,,,THEY SHOULD TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THESE LOONEY TUNES WILL JUSTIFY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING,,,BECAUSE THEY CAN JUST MAKE IT UP AS THEY GO ALONG AND THEIR FOLLOWERS WILL FOLLOW WITHOUT QUESTION!!!

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

I HAVE NDN FRIENDS THAT HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO BE SENT TO A "MORMON RAN SCHOOL FOR NDN CHILDREN (USA'S GENOCIDAL NDN POLICY USE CHURCHES OF ALL KINDS AND MONEY THAT WAS INTENDED BY THE TREATIES TO PAY FOR SOME OF THAT STOLEN LAND (WHAT A JOKE)) MANY NEVER LIVED TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE MFers!!! MANY TO THIS DAY WILL NEVER LIVE A NORMAL LIFE BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE THESE MORONS DID TO THEM,,I DATED A NAVAHO GUY THAT CAME THROUGH ONE OF THEIR SCHOOLS AND HE WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!! AMERICAN INDIANS DESPISE THESE MURDERERS OF INDIAN CHILDREN!!!

Cecelia
Cecelia

All I can say is that I don't want to see another US President from Texas. Haven't we hadenough "alamos" around the world to keep us in debt trying to save the world fromtyrants? I don't ever remember seeing JR Ewing showing up in a church...no oil there I suppose and maybe the sacrificial wine isn't strong enough for most Texans?

Cecelia
Cecelia

Pete Kotz has created a new career as political comedian. I guess I'm still on the booksas a Mormon from when I lived out west back in the 50's and searching for a felowship.The history of his article is almost accurate as to locations, etc. Men actually marriedthe many widows and took care of their children, thus enlarging the Mormon community.So what's the difference between their way back then and what the Saudi Arabians stilldo if they have they money? This is really hillarious and just the laugh I needed....wellif Romney gets into the White House I'm sure there will be coffee, tea and postum andno hanky panky in the dark hallways ...don't know about the Hollywood starlets if theyknow Donnie and Marie. What's your next target, Pete? I need a laugh to beginthe day. Ceilvero.

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

Religion is a mental illness that has NOTHING to do with your spirituality!!! Smith was a con artist as are most religious loonies! It's all about POWER, CONTROL & WEALTH,,,not always in that order, BUT ALWAYS THE GOAL!

John Proctor
John Proctor

Ndl-nfl, The only way you could know the heart and conscience of another person is 1. Knowing them personally so well that you become like one with them. 2.Revelation from God or by whatever higher power you believe in. 3. You are God or the higher power. Question- Do you qualify to make such judgements about everyone or are you revealing you bigotry ? What do you believe in ?

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

I BELIEVE THAT THE MORMONS GENOCIDE MY PEOPLE AND WHEN PUT IN THE TRUST POSITION OF RUNNING NDN SCHOOLS FOR THE BIA THEY MURDERED, TORTURED, BEAT, SEXUALLY ABUSED, THOSE CHILDREN AND WHOLESALE THIEVED FROM NDNS ALLOWING CHILDREN TO STARVE SO THEY COULD STEAL THE FOOD MEANT FOR NDN CHILDREN,,,I HAVE MANY FRIENDS THAT CANNOT LIVE A NORMAL ADULT LIFE BECAUSE OF THESE WACICHU!!! I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU "CHRISTIANS" BELIEVE IN HELL,,,THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE AND MY HOPE THAT IS WHAT YOU FIND!!! IN THE MEANTIME,,, WE KNOW WHO WE ARE, WHERE WE CAME FROM AND WHO OUR ANCESTORS ARE,,,WHICH IS MUCH MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU PEOPLE!!! BUT THEN, THATS WHAT YOU GET WITH SO MUCH INBREEDING, YOUR MOMMA IS YOUR SISTER AND YOUR AUNT,,JUST WAYYYY TOOO FEW SWIMMERS IN THE GENE POOL!!!

John Proctor
John Proctor

At least now I know where this crap your spewing comes from. Your attitude is the same bigotry your own ancestors were on the receiving end of. News flash fool, TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. Your wrong jerk. Totally wrong. If whites always believed as you do your race would have been exterminated. No one denies Native Americans got screwed. But to single out Mormons like we're some horrible genocidist is screwball. You know that's crap. In our imperfect way Mormons have tried to help. Not forced help. Only to those who wanted it. Some we were able to help, some we failed with. That's normal. What have you done better ? Probably nothing ! People like you are always griping but never really doing anything. Remember , THE ONLY THING YOU ACCOMPLISH BY ACTING LIKE AN ASS IS MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE ONE !

John Proctor
John Proctor

I would like to say something about my political views. I have strong feeling about Mitt Romney, I don't like him very much. I feel somethings not right with him. Not because he's Mormon.My favorite candidate is Herman Cain. A political outsider with real work experience. No silver spoon in his mouth. I like him manly because like most Americans I feel like a political outsider too.

John Proctor
John Proctor

Dear Joseph Smith, Years ago I was given an Anti-Mormon book to read." Who Really Wrote The Book Of Mormon." It was written by 3 men claiming Joseph Smith the Mormon Prophet plagerized a story by a Mr.Solomon Spalding. The book was the equal to a prosecution case presented in court. The differences being, 1. The alleged witnesses could not be cross examined. 2. Expert witnesses did not examine the evidence. 3.No defence rebuttal or witnesses were presented. I was accused of rejecting the evidence for not taking the authors word for granted that they were right. Today, you can read the Solomon Spalding manuscript for yourself. It's online. It doesn't resemble the Book Of Mormon in any way. Prof - Joseph Smith didn't plagerize Solomon Spalding. Joseph, I have not questioned your integrity, you have questioned mine. How about giving me the benefit of the doubt until proven quilty.

Erin
Erin

can you write an article like this on every religion?

Joseph Smith
Joseph Smith

Let me set the record straight. Adam is NOT god. I am.

Joseph Smith
Joseph Smith

I am offended that Mormons are offended.

Chellechelle
Chellechelle

I've been an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ('Mormon') my whole life & not ONCE have I heard the phrase "lying for the Lord". Untruth, in any form is strictly forbidden, as stated in the 10 commandments. We believe that truth will always win out. So there is no NEED to 'lie for the Lord'. Makes no sense. Please don't publish what has NEVER been taught in my religion as 'fact'. Who's the liar? Not us. We are up front about what we believe & take persecution & martyrdom for it.

Ndn_nfl
Ndn_nfl

YOUR WORDS AS STATED ARE A BIG LIE!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! BE GLAD IT"S NOT ME TELLING THE STORY OF WHAT MORMONS DID TO NDN CHILDREN IN THE AGENCY SCHOOLS THAT YOU WERE PAID BY THE BIA TO OPERATE FOR CHILDRENS BENEFIT!!!! YOU ALL SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED TO CLAIM TO BE "MORMON" GO GET A PSYCH EVALUATION AND A C-SCAN,,,YOUR EITHER ALIENS OR HAVE A MAJOR TUMOR PRESSING ON YOUR BRAIN,,,BUT YOUR SURE NOT HUMAN!!!

The4dollarbill
The4dollarbill

Oh my god. I'm an ex mormon and this was the best article EVAR!!

Ljrboating
Ljrboating

Shameful article that creates false opinions of mormons. Romney will be good for our country as a result of his past business experience. To believe this article would be the same as asuming inter-family pro-creation, is the norm in backwood baptist.

John Proctor
John Proctor

Robert, I am taking up your challenge. I recieved your message Saturday evening. I have limited access to a computer. But, I have found online a copy of your suggested book at the public library in Okeechobee, Fl. I can't order it personally with my computer but Tuesday, when next the library in Ft.Pierce opens, I will seek an inter library loan. And yes, I will get back to you after reading it.

Joseph Smith
Joseph Smith

Joseph Smith was convicted of it.But I bet you will keep believing. People like you believe in belief, not evidence.

Eduardomade
Eduardomade

I am a Catholic from Tucuman Argentina and lived in The United States since the age of 17. I can tell you that in my opinion, The Mormons I met, without exception, were all very nice, educated, polite and an example to follow.I thought many times to travel to Salt Lake City, and to learn more about these great people. I wish most God believers were anything close to The Mormons and their superb behavior. No, nobody pays me, nor encourages me to write all this, I am doing it because it is exactly the way I feel, from seeing the Mormons behavior. Where I live now, Bay Harbor Islands, you never see any Mormons, but you do see them in very poor and depressed parts of the World.My congratulations to The Mormon Church, for guiding its followers to become such good examples, of what a God believing person should be like.Sincerely,Eduardo Made

Joseph Smith
Joseph Smith

Tell them thank you for calling your church the "whore of all the earth."

Leon
Leon

If you remove the second 'm' from Mormons you get MORONS..... haha.Your all a bunch of dummies... All religions around the world.. no matter how obscure...from the Greeks worshiping gods to christians to buhda ... they all believe in an afterlife.... seems all religion is rooted in man's fear of his own mortality and the desire to live forever.

Idiots.

wizkidder2k
wizkidder2k

Replying to Bill on the part of his comments about the military, I would rather see the new president add to the military than subtract. Drawing down from two wars doesn't mean that we need less military personell. For instanace Obama tells the world just when he is removing ALL of our troops from Iraq and Iran immediately went in started taking over. Bad move. You never tell the enemy what you are planning. Anyway, I am looking strongly at Herman Cain. He makes sense and that is almost a first for any of the White House contenders. But, then again, they are all politicians and Cain isn't.

bill
bill

Romney shouldn't be elected, but not because he's a mormon. It's because he's a throwback to another era. His ideas about the economy have been tried and failed, his wanting to increase our already bloated defense budget is very worrisome, and his many flip-flops on so many issues show a lack of conviction and values. There's just not a lot there to vote for. I'm not rich enough to benefit from his policies, and I'm sure that he will have to eliminate social security and medicare as we know them to pay for his tax cuts for corporations and rich individuals, and his military adventures. Why does he want to increase the size of the military by 100,000 soldiers at a time when we're winding down two wars? Does he plan to invade Iran?

wscarp1
wscarp1

Romney's mormonism is a distraction. He talks about his religious beliefs one day,, and then plays the part of the victim when the media beging to produce pieces on mormonism. The danger is Romney is how he transfers his religious views to his political positions. He says that he believes that God has a special place for America. This appeal to the old notion of American exceptionalism is outmoded in the real world we live in. America is still the leading country of the world, but our resources are not being put where we need them. Instead of improving our education system, our infrastructure, our attraction for the best minds of the world, etc., Romney wants to increase the size of the defense budget by $37 billion a year and the army by 100,000 soldiers. We need to grow our country at home, not by military adventures. He doesn't appear to see that.

Jo
Jo

almost 50 years has passed and always the same non sense I've observed. the more educated political men becomes, the more he at all does not represents the working class . What is the point of staying in line to vote for these jokers? I rather sleep late . Just tired .. I trust God and myself no one else.. As far as the LDS church goes, it is all good, there are so much love in it, because it has full authority of God and one day all will see with their own eyes that the Book Of Mormon is precious and direct from God and yes that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God.. Just give a chance to be happy my friends and listen to missionaries ... From Nephi to Moroni the Book of Mormon is all about Jesus our savior. I know that there are lots of good people on all church, some way better than me, but be sure, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints ( Mormons) is the only church recognized by God on the earth.Amen

Hoberth
Hoberth

First of all, (and that why we love our Belief) Because there isn't not even 0.1% of truth of what people says. There is NOT even that. And Joseph Was only 14years old when God Told him that His church (because that was really this tender boy wanted to find out. The Truth Church. He was not to join any of the sectarians mega noises at that time, because they worshiped whit their own lips but their hearts were so far from him. Besides when he saw the Vision, the first person He run and wanted to share with was he's religion leader pastor. But He was attacked immediately by and since then Said Joseph Started the more cruel persecution on for just had said the truth. Quoted his own words Remember 14years old boy " Because I now this is truth And I really Saw a vision And God Knows And I know other wise I'd just give up , quit and leave". He was been tortured by the intolerance of the narrowed minded people. Like Moroni, Appeared unto him and told Him that he's name would be taken for Good and for bad, Many would love him, many will not. Like today still is not the the noisy easy non pain message! is the Real Gospel Of Jesus Christ of Whom this little boy bore record of it. Now How We people from far away like me Know? Because like the other millions had done it. We ask God The eternal Father in the name of His Son Jesus Christ if this is Truth or not. He will Answer Him self. And then Know the whole truth.

Aaron Sheffield
Aaron Sheffield

It was funny, bordering on high school silliness. Factual? Kinda. Guy needs to do a leetle more reseach into the Mormons. And no I am not one but spent a number of years in SLC, so saw a bit more of the everyday folks than most. Read up on what Brigham Young really thought of women and Mormon men who had not started a family by 24 or so.

Laaldaba2
Laaldaba2

Egad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gville2009
Gville2009

You are right; you never did say that lying for the Lord was doctrinal. And, I'm glad that you are giving me one more chance to be honest about whether or not I am familiar with the phrase, "lying for the Lord" in the context of Mormon culture. Let me make myself perfectly clear (so you can stop repeating the same argument over and over again), I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS PHRASE USED IN THE CONTEXT OF MORMON CULTURE before you brought it up on this board and I guarantee that I have been to church and actually listened to what was being taught (and have been surrounded by "Mormon culture") way more than you have, so you can stop "testing" me. I'm sorry that I'm not giving you the answer that you want to hear. Funny how asking the same question over and over again is giving you the same results. You can continue to call me a liar, even though I have asked you several times politely to not use name-calling. But, that's one of the many differences between you and me. I can have this discussion and still keep my manners in tact.

You're also right about another point. I did not defend the lies that you wrote about Joseph Smith because that's exactly what they are, lies. Any intelligent human being whose mind has not been consumed by bitterness can read about Joseph Smith for themselves and figure it out.

I noticed that you had nothing more to say about Latter-day Saints being "commanded" to not associate with apostates. Is it because what I said made sense? Do you even realize that a large part of the missionary work that goes on involves family members that are active in the church wanting to reactivate family members who are no longer active? A good solid chunk of missionary work and possible converts would go out the window if we were "commanded" not to associate with apostates. I have a family member who was excommunicated. They had another family member "associate" with them and they were re-baptized (by their own choice, not forced, let's just make that clear now). I'm going to take a wild guess here that you actually served a mission based on the age that you told me you were when you "escaped" from the "cult". I bet you barely got out with your life. Considering that I personally know people who have been excommunicated, I doubt that it was as dramatic and exaggerated as you make it out to be.

And, a feeling is not the only way that someone can know the truth and you know this (even if you haven't been to church for a long time). "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them," (Bible, KJV, Matthew 7:20, also Book of Mormon, 3rd Nephi 14:20). Not just by a feeling. And this applies to any circumstance in life. Think about it. How do you know drugs are bad? Do you feel they are bad? Sure, you can feel uncomfortable about them. The idea of using a drug might make you nervous. But, that's not the only way. You see the effects that drugs have on people and on their health. The addiction, the money wasted, families torn apart, the abuse that comes with it. You see the outcome that using drugs is not good. So, you put two and two together and by using logic you come to the conclusion that they are bad (in most people's opinions, but maybe not yours).

As far as I can see, the fruits of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been good and sweet. I have an eternal perspective on this life that gives me hope and comfort. I have a family that I know I will not lose when I die because of the doctrines that the church teaches. I have wonderful memories of my teenage years because of the activities that the church provided through the youth programs. I have friendships from College that continue on today because of the common ground we found in the church during those college years.

What is wrong with a doctrine that teaches that families can be forever? That you have your agency? That God loves you? That follows Jesus and testifies of Him through the Bible and Book of Mormon (another testament of Jesus Christ)? That teaches you self-sufficency and to do good towards your fellowmen? That gives you an eternal perspective on things and answers to some of life's hardest questions? These are all things that you forgot to mention when you were describing this "cult" (maybe we can substitute the word "cult" for "Christian religion" for a change).

Yes, you do have to work for these things. Nothing is free. We don't smoke and we don't drink (alcohol, coffee, or tea). We don't swear (much). We are asked to go to church on Sunday for 3 hours and give 10% of our profit (income from work) to a church that is one of the best known for their humanitarian efforts. We are asked to give our all to the Lord (what Christian religion doesn't teach that we should give everything to the Lord?).

But, not being able to go to Starbucks for a latte, not wasting my money on alcohol and cigarettes that could end up killing me early, giving up some of my time for knowledge in return, some of my money to help those in need and help build up a cause I believe in, and knowing that I would give my all for the Lord feels like a small price to pay for all I get in return.

Again, the difference between you and me is that I will speak the truthfulness and beauty of this Christian religion to my last breath, whereas, you choose to spread hatred and bitterness with yours.

Nick Puravida
Nick Puravida

The fact is, this article is FUNNY and FACTUAL - except maybe for the bundt cake. Read something other than the squeaky clean church history you are given in church to read and you will see it is all true. The fact is this, it happened in the past, so who really cares. But, people care enough for the church to say, maybe, "hey, sorry about all that in the past, shouldn't have happened, we were not alive when it did, but we do not teach that now..." Instead of, "it never happened, you must be unhappy, you must be offended, you must have committed a sin, you must have been led astray by satan, you must not read or think about anything but what the prophet tells you, you must.......... blah, blah, blah..." Just tackle the tough issues, apologize or not for the past, and then move on. Most likely, these articles will stop because no one will be able to bring up things from the church's past that haven't already been "questioned and answered".

It's okay for the mormons to say they don't agree with other religions or beliefs. But, it's not okay for non-mormons or ex-mormons to say they don't agree with mormons - it's automatically an attack. Lighten up, learn to live with your past, and prove everyone wrong, be good, caring, christians or LDS members.

bill
bill

the only viable Mormon candidate for president is Mitt Romney. While his religion has a checkered past, it's his lack of values that is troubling. He says he supports social security, for example, but only when it was politically necessary to say so. He wants to cut corporate taxes (many large corporations (GE, Chevron, ExxonMobil, for example) pay no US income tax as it is now! He wants to add 100,000 troops and $37 billion a year to the military for no apparent reason while he is against the jobs bills that are before Congress.He has flip-flopped on so many issues that it shows that he is not grounded in anything. He was pro-choice, now he's pro-life. He was supportive of gay rights, now he's against them. He was for the Romneycare health care reform, now he's against Obama's health reform bill which is nearly identical. And so on.Also, he brought up his relationship with God as a driving force in his candidacy, and then, cried foul when people started to report on his religion. I don't think we can trust him with the presidency. He should go back into big business. Any values other than greed are unnecessary there.

Anon
Anon

I'm not a Mormon. There's a funny, tasteful way to satirize Mormon beliefs that doesn't cross the line into bigotry and open contempt-- Trey Parker and Matt Stone have shown how it's done. But any attempt at legitimate criticism or humor in this article is completely overwhelmed by the simmering prejudice of its author. It might have been funnier and more effective had he his bigotry in check.

PBY
PBY

If "open contempt" had been shown to the followers of Jim Jones, David Koresh, Marshall Applewhite, Bagwan Shree Ragneesh, etc, perhaps fewer people would have been harmed by those pseudo-religions.

North America is full of phony religions: let them all enjoy the ridicule they have earned ...

 
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