By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
A few weeks ago, bigwigs at the Florida, uh, Miami Marlins announced they were putting the final touches on the team's new stadium in Little Havana. The coup de grace: a rubber membrane designed to reduce the glare off its bulbous, retractable metal roof. Soon the stadium will be shrink-wrapped in the stuff.
Call it the Condome.
The giant jimmy hat was the least Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria could do. Really. If we're going to get screwed to the tune of $360 million, we at least deserve some protection.
This got Riptide thinking. What other Miami buildings deserve a willy warmer?
The Flamingo South Beach Center Tower: If there is one place more virulent than a University of Miami frat-house hump room, it is this unsightly giant on Bay Road at 15th Street in Miami Beach. The place looks like a fat king sitting on his ugly throne. And what are those weird pink triangles on top? The sooner we can quarantine it under a 32-story love glove, the healthier the rest of us will be.
The Freedom Tower: Unlike the Flamingo, however, you don't feel like you've contracted foot-and-mouth disease every time you step into the lobby of this 86-year-old gherkin on Biscayne Boulevard across from the Port of Miami. But the ancient place is more delicate than Hugh Hefner's withering winkie. Our prescription: un preservativo, por favor!
The Four Seasons Hotel and Tower: Miami's tallest building stands at 70 stories and 789 feet. It is the nation's 51st tallest building. But its long tower looks like a schlong gone all wrong. Cover that ugliness with a latex tube sock.
The new Genting casino: It hasn't even been approved yet, but we're pretty sure Miami will need some insulation from this Malaysian monstrosity.
City hall: It's already full of pricks.