Florida's bestiality ban won't ruin our good time

In October, a new law will make Florida the 31st state to outlaw bestiality. Yep, we will be tragically separated from the furry and hoofed objects of our lust, for no reason other than a pesky species divide. It's like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, if Shakespeare had had the guts to use the phrase donkey cock.

Mark Poutenis

Related Content

• Heat Take 3-2 Lead As Things Get Physical
  May 23, 2012
• LeBron Makes History and D-Wade Bounces Back as the Heat Tie Series 2-2
  May 21, 2012
• Heat Drop Game 2 to the Pacers
  May 16, 2012
• LeBron, D-Wade Rally Heat Over Pacers After Bosh Leaves With An Injury
  May 14, 2012
• LeBron James and the Heat Extinguish Knicks, Move on to Eastern Conference Semis
  May 10, 2012

More About

• William Shakespeare
• Hello Kitty
• LeBron James

Like this Story?

Sign up for the Weekly Newsletter: Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.

Privacy Policy Cancel Continue

But despite the slings and arrows of outrageous legislation, Floridians will soldier on. Because we can still do a lot of horrible and/or ill-advised shit that's been banned throughout most of the rest of the nation.

Boink Bessie for three more months. Then take solace in the following still-legal activities:

Poke Grandma on Facebook while driving: Our great state is one of seven — South Dakota, South Carolina, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Montana, and Idaho are the usual suspects filling up the rest of this careening, short bus — that have absolutely no laws concerning use of a cell phone while driving, even for school bus drivers. Ohio (whatup, LeBron!) is the only other state with no such laws that doesn't even bother to compile accident statistics concerning phone-distracted drivers, 'cause, you know, like whatever, bitch.

Arm yourself like that dude from Falling Down: You can buy a gold-plated Soviet machine gun with a night-vision scope and fuzzy Hello Kitty decals from a private dealer in the parking lot of a Wendy's, no license required. Then you can go hunting for those human-looking deer that drive cars with "Kerry/Edwards '04" bumper stickers.

Kill the bartender with your cigarette smoke: In Florida, if a bar or restaurant makes less than 10 percent of its earnings from food, you can smoke. That will teach her to make a weak fuzzy navel.