By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
Yikes, this is awkward. Wow. Not quite sure how to break this to you, so, well, just sit down, OK?
See, the thing is, you're in Hell. No, no, not Bal Harbour Shops.
If you're alive and reading this sentence, it means you were not among the lucky 3 percent of the world population sucked into Jesus Christ's magical rapture vacuum cleaner last weekend and transported straight to Heaven.
In case you've missed the billboards on I-95 proclaiming May 21 "Judgment Day," a pastor named Harold Camping is so sure of his prediction that he has spent millions worldwide warning of the imminent End Times.
So anyway, now you're here, reading this, which means you're not chillin' with St. Pete. Also, it means you have about five months left in a brimstony Hell-on-Earth before the globe collapses into a giant quake.
Really, if you live in Florida, you shouldn't be surprised. We're guessing Jesus automatically issued anyone south of the panhandle an uninvite to the heavenly disco.
Consider: Only three weeks ago, the Florida Legislature made it illegal to have sex with animals. You think Heysus is welcoming in a bunch of wanton donkey caressers?
Actually, pick any deadly sin and you can guarantee we've taken it to devilish, new heights. If God has been reading Riptide, He has seen the following happen in Florida in just the past month:
• Thieves stealing 30 pounds of chicken nuggets from a high school.
• A mother and daughter filming their pet dog mauling pigs and then posting the footage on Facebook.
• A store offering free shotguns to anyone buying a new air conditioner.
And we don't even have to mention that so-called pastor in Gainesville who's been burning Korans in God's name. That alone pissed off the Big Guy enough to write off the Sunshine State.
So yeah, you're screwed. Enjoy your last few weeks of cannibalism, raging firestorms, and locust hurricanes!
(Just don't come looking for Riptide. There's a reason we kept our out-of-state license plate all these years. Praise the Lord!)