By Michael E. Miller
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Munzenrieder
By Sabrina Rodriguez
By Michael E. Miller
By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Luther Campbell
By Kyle Munzenrieder
When I relay the news, the editor lets out an exasperated sigh. "He won't do Hose the Hos?! You know what? I don't care. Just make sure whatever you do is funny!"
But that isn't what kills the car wash. It's our nonexistent budget. The owners of Tobacco Road have graciously offered their parking lot on the condition we hire Miami Police officers to maintain order. "You're talking about Uncle Luke here," owner Joe Portela explains. "My partners and I would feel more comfortable with some police presence." He offers to find us two cops if we come up with $400 to pay them. "I can give you $200," the editor offers me. "But you have to raise the rest."
7:45 p.m.: I resort to Plan B. The manager for Caroline Schwitzky, the 22-year-old pageant queen who was recently stripped of her Miss Weston USA title, agrees to a deal to give away kisses at Brew at the Zoo to help Campbell raise funds for the Zoological Society of Florida. For legal reasons, we can't raise money for Luke's campaign, but at least he'll be allowed to shake hands and pose for pictures with more than 4,000 potential voters. Schwitzky's manager demands she be crowned Miss Miami New Times and comped six VIP tickets for the beer fest. Done deal.
Saturday, April 30, 11:30 a.m.: I'm at Party City waiting for a $20 banner that reads, "Luther Campbell's Kissing Booth Featuring Miss Miami New Times Caroline Schwitzky." The eight-foot sign is bordered with red and pink hearts. The employee printing out the banner inquires, "Is this for Uncle Luke from 2 Live Crew?" I tell him yes and that Campbell is running for mayor. "No kidding," he says. "Isn't that something. I used to go to his club on South Beach and his strip club Strawberries. Those places were crazy. Girls were always getting naked up onstage." Nearby, a Cuban-American couple holding a Julio Robaina bumper sticker glance at me suspiciously.
8:20 p.m.: Schwitzky, a petite brunette with a pretty face, is wearing a red Miss Miami New Times sash over a tight black dress. She puckers her ruby-red lips and lands a peck on the cheek of a beer guzzler who just dropped $5 into the donation jar. After an hour, she has collected close to $90 and given 40-plus smooches.
Outside the VIP gate, Campbell is mobbed by a few fans and two Miami-Dade Police officers providing security. One of the cops, an African-American woman with long braids, shines her mag light on the candidate. "Is that you, Uncle Luke?" He replies: "That's me, baby. How you doing?" The cop's partner, a fair-skinned lady with ginger hair, vigorously shakes Campbell's hand. "Our whole squad is going to vote for you," she says. "That's great," Campbell replies. "I need y'all to tell all your fellow officers to get behind me."
Monday, May 2, 11:59 a.m.: The editor throws me a curve ball. "You know Luke's gonna get votes," he says. "He could even make the runoff." I suggest that he didn't believe in Luke's chances a few weeks ago. "No, I never said that," the editor says. "I always knew he had a shot to make the runoff. I just don't see him beating a Cuban-American candidate in that runoff."
I tell him Luke believes he won't need the runoff — that he'll win outright. I go back to my cubicle to daydream. If he pulls this off, I could be chief of staff. I could finally ditch the newspaper rag business for the promise of a guaranteed taxpayer-subsidized six-figure salary. I can picture it now — Luke will be strolling into the office at 2 in the afternoon, so I'll be the one running the county, the guy the lobbyists have to suck up to. Now that would be a trip.
Friday, May 6, 4:46 p.m.: Campbell is gaining momentum in the race despite raising only $6,000. Some polls have him in third place, just a couple of percentage points behind ex-county Commissioner Carlos Gimenez. And Campbell is still the only candidate getting serious national press coverage. The neocon bible the Weekly Standard published a 7,228-word profile on our candidate. The Associated Press has a reporter tailing Campbell all week. He has even upgraded his look. At candidate forums, he now sports a tie to go with his dress shirt and two-piece suit.
In the New Times office, the editor wears a big sad look on his mug. He just finished editing Luke's column for the week. He had to delete words like voter referendum, task force, and empowerment zones describing Luke's economic plan, which includes legalizing casinos inside Miami Beach hotels and medical marijuana. "He's starting to sound like every other politician," the editor moans. "We've turned him from Booty Man into Boring Man."
The managing editor, on the other hand, is thinking along my lines: how to cash in on Campbell's political success. "You should tell Luke to hire my cousin's husband," he tells me. "That guy helped the new Coral Gables mayor get elected. He might agree to help for free just for the challenge. And then we could all go work for Luke at county hall."
Hey Luke, does it mean that since you're running for Mayor, we can't "Kick" "Game?"If not, I'll fake it: I can talk a lil' politics. But I'd probably do my best talking with that Cutie Pie you got hanging on your arm. I just heard the Stylistic, "You Make Me Feel Brand New."Man let me go, my wife's looking over my shoulder. Anyway, tell her, "I always feel like,somebody's Watching Me, Is this a Fantasy OH HO HO.
So by this guy seemingly grabbing so much support even amongst 'mainstreamers' (see 'reactions'), are we saying that it is now acceptable to vote for those who wouldn't normally qualify for street-cleaning jobs - but would - qualify as local government officials?????Please, Miami-Dade........come to your senses already!!
Luther Campbell should learn to manage his bastard children that whore the streets of Miami. How could anyone in their right mind consider this lowlife and unfortunate businessman to represent Miami. He's no Obama, that's for sure.
Luther Campbell should run a fucking strip club not a city. I pray for those of you who vote for him even if you think its a joke to you. Stupid stupid stupid.
An Interview with Miami-Dade Mayoral Candidate Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell http://bit.ly/kVGeOr
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As a professional educated African American female with multiple degrees and a member of AKA Soriority. I give it up to the Notorious Luther Campbell. Luke is a very educated fine gentleman that I met several years ago in my home town in Chas. Sc. I love you Luke and I wish you the best!!!!!
Google in the input: = ashops.us ==you can find many brand names, even more surprising is that he will sell you the unexpected o(∩_∩)o
Google in the input: = ashops.us ==you can find many brand names, even more surprising is that he will sell you the unexpected o(∩_∩)o
Nassie Shahoulian, AKA Notorious Nastie is an A-hole. thats y we love him. Fu*k uh hater hateing on my home boy. Eat a dick you cock suckers! 104B
You know Luke is alot like Donald Trump - Actually pretty intelligent as a businessman - But Dude axs-a-fool for most of his adult life, was a self-admitted dope slinger in the early days - Has no respect for women and now wants to be taken serious. Luke has every right to be "as nasty as he wants to be' but we have the right not to vote for this morally corrupt rapper wanabee. yes, I said it...he is no different than the typical music label who lived off the backs of other talented rappers...He is a DJ for the most part.
A semi-Gonzo rundown of Luke's campaign up to this point. I enjoyed the read, and it's good to know what's actually been going on in Luke's corner, since most of the publicity outside of the New Times has been focused on the other people running. I had no idea he was at Brew at the Zoo, and had I known I probably would have gone.
He'll definitely get a large chunk of the Black vote, along with whatever young voters decide to turn out.
Luther Campbell campaign is like Donald Trump in blackface,,,,,clearly a distraction.!! Oh, but wait, he has all the Michelle Spence Jones voters. You know...face down, ass up, because all they do is phuck!!! Not only is this a joke, it's sad that he is getting so much pub, oh, I forgot....Donald (without his millions) in blackface. A FARCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The editor-in-chief is unfazed: "Relax! No African-American has ever won countywide office in Miami-Dade. We'll use it to spoof the political process!" The managing editor is unconvinced. He was in Chicago in 1983 when Harold Washington stunned the city's political establishment by winning the mayor's seat. "I was the only reporter to cover Washington's first press conference," the second-in-command affirms. "No one took him seriously. Then the two Irish candidates split the vote, all the black folks turned out, and he won."
Well, its pretty simple in CHI. The city is 1/3 black and in 1983 there had to be many more African-Americans in that city making up about a million people. Miami-Dade county is only 20% black and even if the black voters get out other people have to pitch in as well. That means other oppressed latinos in Dade county need to vote for Luke. Also, Miami-Dade seems to have the lowest voter turn out in the entire state of Florida except for the cuban community. That doesn't seem very convincing to me. Get out and vote people if you want to make a difference in your community.
At first I thought you were advocating Campbell's candidacy as a joke or perhaps you are really a secret Robaina supporter. But frankly, I was shocked to read here that your editor ordered you to run Campbell's campaign.
Don't you and your editors have any journalistic ethics? What a shame! The old New Times had much more integrity.
Luther Campbell has declared both personal and business bankruptcies. If he can't manage his own finances, why on on earth would you want him managing the county's $7.5 billion budget?
Also, the courts found that Campbell cheated other performers out of more than a million dollars in royalties. Why would you want to elect someone with a documented record of cheating others?
Finally, it is a 100% sure bet that the next mayor will be Hispanic, and crooked Julio Robaina is leading the polls. Why on earth would you want to risk putting Campbell into the runoff and assure crooked Robaina a victory?
MiamiHerald´s poll shows Robaina with 44% support among voters that have already cast their ballots, let's keep it up, we need transparency for MD county
Every time you guys tout "Notorious" Nastie as cool, hip, or trendy, you lose more and more of your respectability and integrity. People who are actually part of the "scene" as artists and not reporters or revelers, know exactly how uncool Nastie really is. The notorious part is right though -- he is notorious for not paying bands what he promised them and for avoiding them when they try to collect. He has stiffed hundreds of hardworking musicians and artists in Miami and for someone who is supposed to be promoting our scene, that is really, really sad and a testament to just how "nasty" he really is.
Who's a 'hater'....why just because he's black?? If this guy were asian or mexican, i'd feel the same way.........stop already with the 'race card'!!!
I understand where you're coming from sister but if you want to represent Luke be a little more lady like and professional when you make a statement. Luke does not need any negative connotations against his character or campaign. Remember that what effects one directly effects all indirectly as Dr. King stated... Sometimes its best to remain silent to remove all doubt... and check your grammar...
I read your statement and you have a right to your opinion but I worked in Washington for several years and for your informations politicians hire strippers every weekend to meet their needs and do what their wives can't do. Respect comes from with-in let the man live and make a change. Remove the plank from your eye before you judge other's... Never bite the hand that feeds you because you might just need it one day... I am a educated AA Female with multiple degrees and a member of AKA Soriority and I love Luke's music. you should listen to some of the history in the lyrics before you judge not just the explicit lyrics. He is very intelligent individual and may drop some history on you. Woman make a choice to disrespect themselves Luke cannot make them do anything they do not want to do,obviously you listened to his music to form an opinion...
Your comment is asinine and you should respect Luke's name and character. Luke needs support from your community not profanity to communicate your thoughts. Try again he may be able to assist you guys in Flordia...
Dude go phuck yourself. Seeing these racist comments on this message board is so sickening and moderators need to clean it up.
Al it is really sad that all you have to offer is racist hateful commentary. You should go to church and ask God to forgive you.
It is ridiculous for your second-in-command to compare Harold Washington in 1983 Chicago to Luther Campbell's candidacy in 2011 Miami-Dade.
Harold Washington became the Democratic nominee in Chicago with only 37% of the vote BECAUSE THERE WAS NO RUNOFF ELECTION. Because Chicago is a Democratic stronghold, the general election against the Republican candidate is a mere formality.
In Miami-Dade, the election is nonpartisan. Assuming no one reaches a 50%+1 majority in the first election, the top two candidates square off in a final election.
Luther Campbell has zero chance of being elected in an inevitable head-to-head runoff election with a Hispanic candidate. And if the Miami-Dade system was in place in 1983 Chicago, Washington would not have stood a chance either.
The fact remains that crooked Julio Robaina is the leading candidate according to the polls. He will trounce Luther Campbell in a runoff. So a vote for Campbell is a vote for Robaina. If you believe Miami-Dade needs better leadership than a Hialeah loanshark, reconsider your support for Campbell.
Why are you so concerned about Luke's personal life? Bankruptcy does not mean that you're broke it means that you are protecting your assets. White people do it everday in Washington. I worked in DC. for many years and seen it. It was created to protect the White Man, are you jealous? Luke is doing just fine. Obviously your interested in his life...
Wishful thinking. The Herald poll showed Julio Robaina's support fell 3 points to 25% and Carlos Gimenez gained 11 percentage points to put him at 20%. The people are on to loanshark Julio and his future is not looking good.
Estrellar you have no credibility because you hide by an anonymous avatar. Show some guts and put your name to your accusations instead of sounding like a whiny pissant with an axe to grind.
Fat boy get a life stop being so jealous of a AA Male that is a Icon in the White World. You need weight Watchers ask Jenifer Hudson for assistance.... You guys purchase more of his music and attended more of his concerts.
Frank, I will tell you what is truly sad, that the MNT continues to publish Lukes "racist hateful commentary"
I have to agree with you Luke doesn't have much of a chance in the circus known as 2011 Miami-Dade politics. This is why I prefer living in primarily democratic cities/counties. If you want change, you have to live in a more progressive city/county with educated voters. Half the voters in Miami-Dade do not have a phucking clue who they are voting for.
Um, no, hotshot reporter. Why don't you do some "investigating" or do you guys not do that anymore? Your paper's "articles" read like a publicist's wet dream. Have you ever talked to the hundreds of musicians that have worked for Nastie? Probably not, huh? Don't call on me to do your work for you, lazy ass.
Good point. I don't know if the other candidates have multiple kids with multiple partners, but maybe they do.
And no wonder you like to post comments on the MNT web-site. Punch 17. Vote for Luke all day, every day.
Please cite some examples of his alleged "racist hateful commentary" because if you're going to point to his tea party tirades well then you must wear a white hood inside your house.
Sweet heart I get tips from off the record sources all the time, but I know who they are just like woodward and bernstein knew the identity of deepthroat, who provided confirmed intel that helped them break a story. Posting an anonymous comment on a story to bash someone without any substantial proof and complain that we're not doing anything about it is not providing an "anonymous tip." So go suck estrellita's balls for a while.
Great comeback. You shouldn't even call yourself a journalist. Real journalists take anonymous tips all the time so you're excuses are complete BS. That person was right, you are a lazy ass. Or you just don't give a fuck. Lol, or is that nasty gets you and your fellow journalists comped? LMAO, prob all three. What a bunch of sell-outs. Bring back the old New Times -- circa late 80s, early to mid-90s. The present staff sucks.
"You are certainly no deepthroat so dont flatter yourself" What a fucking joke. You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you no fucking pride at all? At least admit you're wrong. Don't choke on nasty's ass hair the next time you're kissing his ass.