By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
You were lazy. You were broke. You were stupid. And now you're standing ticketless and bereft outside Bicentennial Park, peering enviously at all those beaded pookie heads as they bask in the Day-Glo wonder of this year's totally sold-out Ultra Music Festival.
Sure, in a desperate, last-ditch stab at joining the party, you could always (A) pack $3,600 into a paper bag and scour Biscayne Boulevard for a scalper, or (B) dig a bunch of shiny objects out of the trash, carefully approach Ultra's security fence, and try to barter with the narcotically deranged natives.
But once you've exhausted those admittedly low-percentage plays, here is the backup plan.
Smog vs. BassHead. With Skream, Goldie, Skrillex, Craze, Juan BassHead, and others. 10 p.m. Mekka, 950 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-371-3773; mekkamiami.com. Tickets cost $20 via wantickets.com. After abandoning your Ultra dream, drop some GHB and stumble over to warehousey hideout Mekka, where L.A. party crew Smog and Miami's own Juan BassHead will serve up 18 consecutive doses of ass-battering bass. Warning: Don't pass out or the dubstep will get you.
Dim Mak. With Dada Life, Bart B More, Bingo Players, Tocadisco, Felix Cartal, and others. 10 p.m. Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 786-235-5800; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $35 via wantickets.com. You've had 24 hours to recover from failing to get into Ultra. It's time to ditch downtown and take a day trip to SoBe. Go get a tan, gobble some sushi, guzzle a bottle of Grey Goose, and then wait for nightfall so you can get naked and stupid with Steve Aoki's Dim Mak party boys.
Fool's Gold. With A-Trak, Kenny Dope, Riva Starr, Just Blaze, Treasure Fingers, and others. 10 p.m. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Admission is free with RSVP to firstname.lastname@example.org. Fake stuff isn't uncommon in the 305 — counterfeit cash, bogus drugs, cheap breast implants. But this Saturday, the real deal's gonna drop at Grand Central when A-Trak and his stable of 24-karat killers issue an official fuck-you to iron pyrite and all forms of fakery.
Hard 2 Leave. With Craze, Damaged Goods, Tamara Sky, Hollywood Holt, Troy Kurtz, and others. 11 p.m. Goldrush, 15 NE 11th St., Miami; theoverthrow.com. Tickets cost $10 via hard2leave.eventbrite.com. It's the final day of your party rampage. And because this is Miami, you're pretty much required to spend it in a strip club. We suggest Goldrush, where the Overthrow will orchestrate its second annual orgy of boobs, booze, chicken wings, greasy greenbacks, and sex music. Say bye-bye to Ultra week with class.