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By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
Go ahead and call us degenerate gamblers. But we here at New Times are hardly alone in the belief that life is infinitely less boring when you're betting on it.
Whether the action is competitive vodka-guzzling, the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, or the arrival patterns of Miami-Dade County public transportation, we'll be there, raiding the ATM, making odds, and letting it ride. Basically, we'll bet on anything. So why not the Beatport Music Awards?
After three years as an annual Interweb-only affair, the world's biggest online electronic music purveyor is now taking its industry self-congratulations session into the real world, staging its first live awards show in the cozy, cash-scented confines of the ultraluxe Gansevoort Miami Beach Hotel.
2377 Collins Ave.
Miami Beach, FL 33139
Category: Hotels and Resorts
Region: South Beach
Of course, it was pretty much a no-brainer to stage the whole thing in Miami during Ultra week since almost every single nominee will already be hanging around town — not to mention the 200,000 dance music junkies who'll be ecstatically wilding out like it's some kind of psycho spring break for irresponsible adults.
Yet there's one part of the Beatport plan that doesn't seem quite so obvious: the handing over of hosting duties to Motley Crüe drummer, celebrity DJ, and homemade porn producer Tommy Lee. To be blunt, we wouldn't have dropped a deuce on that one.
But that said, here's some Beatport Music Awards action totally worth a bit of serious betting.
The Community Choice Artist of the Year Category. Nominees: Mark Knight, Dennis Ferrer, Wolfgang Gartner, Pryda, David Guetta, Afrojack, Steve Angello, Deadmau5, Stefano Noferini, and Umek. Maybe you're asking, "Why waste perfectly good money wagering on a people's choice award? Let's do the fancy categories." And indeed, there are a number of other awards — Breakthrough Artist, Top Remixer, Top DJ Mix, etc. — whose winners are determined by pure sales performance as well as the Beatport brain trust.
But here's our expert response: Artist of the Year is a pretty fancy category, you jerk. Plus there aren't actual nominees for any of those chart- and staff-selected awards, which makes gambling a no-win proposition. (Without a field of potential victors, it's like playing the state-sponsored lotto. You always end up a loser.) Also, the general public is crazily unpredictable. So anytime some kind of open voting process is involved, it requires the keenest instinct and skill to accurately predict the outcome.
Anyway, the official New Times bet for Community Choice Artist of the Year is Deadmau5.
The Community Choice Track of the Year Category. Nominees: Pleasurekraft; Swedish House Mafia; Luigi Rocca and Libex; Joan Reyes; Wolfgang Gartner and Deadmau5; Mark Knight; Wolfgang Gartner and Mark Knight; Avicii and Sebastien Drums; Dcup and Yolanda Be Cool; and Pigi and Pirupa. The number one lesson any wannabe degenerate gambler must learn: Ignore your emotions.
For example, when we were trying to pinpoint our pick for the winner of the above Artist of the Year category, our heart whispered, "Pryda." But we had to tell that blood-pumping harpy to shut up 'cause we knew the race was really between Guetta and Deadmau5.
Similarly, we would love it if Luigi Rocca, Libex, and their paranoid tech house killer "Liftered" scored the award for Track of the Year. But since we know better, our official bet is Swedish House Mafia and that big-room bastard named "One."
The How Many Times Host Tommy Lee Will Say Dude and Fuck Category. There are no nominees in this category. Well, except for the words dude and fuck. And in fact, as you've probably already discerned by now, this is not an official Beatport Music Awards category. However, it is a pretty awesome bettable scenario.
The action: Try to predict the number of times Tommy Lee will utter each one, either aloud, under his breath, or off-mike. It could be 69. But it could also be zero. And then there's the wildcard question: Which way do we count any instance of his trademark two-word catch phrase, "Fuck, dude"?
Tricky, right? Oh well, place your bets, beat freaks. We'll hash out the details later.