Censored license plates you won't see on the road

Once every six weeks or so, a small, sober group of bureaucrats and cops gathers in a conference room in Tallahassee. Members of the group synch their iPhones to urbandictionary.com, bone up on the latest texting slang, and then laugh their asses off for an hour or two.

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More About

• Tallahassee
• Ann Howard
• License Plate Review Board
• Racial Issues
• Eating Out

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They're the License Plate Review Board, and their job is to deny your filthy personalized plate requests so that Grandma Bea doesn't swerve her Oldsmobile off the road in a scandalized rage.

"It's incredible what some people will try to put on their car," says Ann Howard, a Florida Division of Motor Vehicles spokeswoman who also sits on the board.

Like what? New Times could only imagine the depths of Florida drivers' depravity, so we filed a Freedom of Information Act request for a listing of all plates the board has ruled on since 2002.

Now that we've got it, we can say for certain: You're some sick bastards. Really. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

The list of questionable plates is more than 2,000 entries long, from 00 NEGRO to ZXPIMP.

There are 45 would-be pimps, actually — from the matronly PIMP MOM to the Latino-flavored PIMPAPI to the hybrid PIMPSTA — and 13 proud hos such as HO GTTA, HO4SHO, and THE HOE.

Some are confessional: I FARTED, IMNAKED, even an admirably frank LILBALS; many are scatological: SHT MKR, BIG TURD, and a simple POOP.

Testicles — DEZ NUTZ, NUT OIL, BLZ DEP — are almost as popular as boobies: TITTEHO, TOPLES, and TITI-MAQ.

Many of you want to let all of I-95 know how much you like sexy time. Why else would you apply for IM CUMIN? Did you really think PSY LUVR would fly? PUNTANG? RU WETT? N YO MOUTH?!

Howard says the board does have some leeway. "In general, we kill anything with 69 in it," she says. "But if you can prove you have a '69 Chevy, we can make an exception."

Not so for the reams and reams of blatant racism that would-be drivers would like to plaster above their bumpers: dozens of anti-Semitic sentiments, a handful of N-bombs, and a straightforward AARYAN.

In terms of sheer stupidity, though, it's tough to beat a plate the board rejected in July 2009, presumably to save its would-be driver from a lifetime of tickets and tasers.

It read simply: DRUNK.