Ricky Martin's new memoir translated

When Ricky Martin announced earlier this year he is gay, two things happened: (1) We cashed in on a $50 bet we made in 1999, and (2) any rumors that the ex-Menudo member had died were laid to rest.

Ricky Martin

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• Ricky Martin
• Decision Points
• Martial Arts
• Celebrity News

Now riding this latest 15-minute fame train, the international pop star has released his first memoir, oh-so-boldly titled Me. But we think a $26.95 list price is a little outrageous for his rather thin story. Heck, Dubya's Decision Points is only 18 bucks on Amazon, and he was the damn president of this country.

Gawker posted several excerpts of Martin's book, and we got the gist of what he has to say. Our advice: Save your money. Don't bother buying a copy of this less-than-compelling story; simply read the following mini-excerpts and our accompanying translations.

On sex with women: "I remember I was left with a 'That's it?' kind of feeling."

Translation: A few pumps and they were done. It was miserable, and she faked it. Ricky lost interest.

On meeting his first boyfriend: "I stared at him steadily, and when I saw that he did not turn his gaze away... Boom! He confirmed what I was thinking."

Translation: Ricky pitched and his boyfriend caught, or vice versa. Either way, both men hit a home run later that night.

On brushes with the law: "Apparently, I had exceeded the speed limit and a policeman stopped me."

Translation: Ricky needed page fillers, so he inserted a pointless anecdote about having a heavy foot and getting pulled over. This story is as interesting as Menudo's Behind the Music.

On martial arts: "For breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I lived and breathed capoeira, a martial art from Brazil."

Translation: Gay or straight, Ricky will beat your ass.

On social networking: "For someone like me who's used to being onstage and getting the immediate response of an audience, Twitter is a dream tool."

Translation: Ricky is a narcissist. Follow him on Twitter: @ricky_martin.