Departee somehow steers the conversation to his porn-making days in Europe. "It was what we called triple-X, all penetration for sure," he reminisces. "Not in me, though — I kept it straight. That was some good money." He bursts into a raw, hacking cough.

We give Michael a pair of LeBron III sneakers and hand Departee the final remnant of the collection: the glorious LeAfghan.

Modeling it like a poncho, Departee has a revelation. "What if I poke a hole in it and put my little hamster through there?" he posits. "I could put my little dick through there right where his nose is at."

He begins excitedly unstringing his khaki shorts while pressing the blanket to himself.

A thousand miles away, Cleveland cheers.

Vince Grzegorek, web editor of Cleveland's Scene — which is copublishing this story — contributed reporting.

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