By David Rolland
By David Von Bader
By Rebecca Bulnes
By Laurie Charles
By Chuck Strouse
By Lee Zimmerman
By Laurie Charles
Don't get us wrong — we love it when guys, especially macho meatheads, are caught in public crooning Alanis Morissette's "Ironic," Fiona Apple's "Criminal," or any other song that looks weird coming from a throat with an Adam's apple. But let's be clear: We are laughing at you, not with you. Still, if you don't have a problem with humiliation, please go right ahead and belt out these tunes:
10. "Miss Chatelaine," k.d. lang: Some people can't explain why they become Miss Chatelaine, but really there's no excuse if you're a dude. So don't. Every time your eyes meet ours, we'll die laughing. Trust us.
9. "December 1963 (Oh, What a Night)," Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons: It's easy to get lured into singing along to this one — it's a catchy classic. But be warned: Very few guys can hit the high notes (think the Bee Gees' falsetto on "Staying Alive") without a prepubescent crackle in their voice. What's worse, the theme of the song — the loss of virginity — seems like a natural for a man's man until you recite the line "as I recall it ended much too soon." They're talking about premature ejaculation, you dope.
8. "Glory of Love," Peter Cetera: More corn than an Iowa farm field: "I am a man who will fight for your honor/I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of/We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love." They just don't write them like that anymore. Mercifully. For some reason, guys exaggerate their facial expressions when singing this song (never a good thing). Plus it marked the official shark-jumping of the Karate Kid franchise.
7. "Man in the Mirror," Michael Jackson: It's actually kind of inspiring as far as MJ songs go (pretend we never wrote that), but way too hokey to be performed in public. Save it for the morning shave. If Hutch can't pull it off, you have no shot.
6. "Ice Cream," Sarah McLachlan: You might melt your lady's heart if you croon this lullaby to her, but you'll also shrink your package or at least have to turn in your man card or sign up for the pink team, or whatever other chauvinistic, homophobic barb you can think of.
5. "Rhythm Is Going to Get You," Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine: In reality, rhythm will magically desert you through every open orifice when you mouth these lyrics: "O eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah/O eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah." Please, no.
4. "Relax," Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Everybody, especially sexually frustrated guys, loves to sing the part "Relax, don't do it. When you want to cooommmmeee." What the dudes who sing it don't realize is they sound like grade-A dirtbags. We'll wait until you go, thank you.
3. "Gigantic," the Pixies: "Hey Paul, hey Paul, hey Paul, let's have a ball." But not by singing this underrated ballad by the underrated Pixies. It's a bit of an obscure reference, maybe, but anybody who's familiar with Kim Deal's vocal range will agree that no man should try to replicate it. And this we know.
2. "I'm a Thug," Trick Daddy: Unless you are a thug, in which case it's OK, do not sing this one in public, in particular if you are in Trick's 3-0-5. We officially give real thugs permission to stick a gat in your stupid face if they catch you.
1. Anything by Air Supply: Most guys know to steer clear of Air Supply, the musical equivalent of castration. But when they think no one is watching, or if they're coming off a bad breakup, they can't resist whispering along to "All Out of Love," "Lost in Love," or "Making Love Out of Nothing at All." Please, don't indulge the whimpering woman inside of you.