Fidel Castro Death Meter

Fidel Castro has put aside the too-sick-to-care tracksuits and unearthed his old olive-green military uniforms. He has returned to his weathered rut in front of the Cuban parliament, back on television, ranting incessantly again.

Just weeks after either Castro or a really good animatron was on live television declaring the United States and Israel are hurtling toward nuclear war, this Saturday he was back again, directly warning Barack Obama of an impending A-bomb holocaust, calling Russia "the Soviets," and declaring that the Earth-forming big bang happened 18,000 years ago.

"It felt like the '80s again," said Right Said Fred's disoriented frontman, who in his confusion filmed a music video while wearing a mesh shirt.

Riptide, the global leader in Castro Death Determination technology, beckoned high-priced scientists we keep on retainer to study the parliament video and answer conclusively:

How dead is our favorite zombie dictator? Thirty-two percent.

How dead is that? He hasn't been this not dead since the Bay of Pigs. In layman's terms, Castro is less dead than your buried great-aunt Gladys — barely — but remains more dead than your nephew Raven, who, despite the pale skin and lifeless eyes, is just goth.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be? We don't know about all of that nuclear apocalypse stuff, but we are certainly headed toward a Castro Rantocalypse® of '80s-era proportions. Castro is peeling open a dusty can of government-issued Won't Shut Up and will be pouring it over the stale white rice of Cuba's diplomatic relations until his embalming fluid finally kicks in.