Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke schools LeBron James and Chris Bosh on what to do and what not to do in Miami-Dade County.
Now that the King and the Bosh Man have arrived in the Magic City, it's up to me to guide them through their first days in our beautiful, sunny, sexy paradise. So listen up, players:
Do not become a part owner of the Miami Dolphins like every other celebrity in town.
Do learn Spanish. It is very important you learn the language. You should especially practice the words maricón, pendejo, and bésame el culo. If you hear someone yell one of those words at you, you yell those words right back.
Do not drive your own car when you go to South Beach. Just because you got keys to the city doesn't mean the police are not waiting for you to get drunk and behind the wheel to lock your ass up. Part of Miami Beach's publicity campaign is to put superstar athletes and celebrities in jail. And get yourself a white driver if you go through Overtown unless you want the police to shoot you for DWB (driving while black).
Do beware of Michael Jordan, Miami Heat assistant coach Keith Askins, and former Dolphins wide receiver Nat Moore when you go to the golf course. They are hustlers. They will take your money and make you feel good about them taking your money.
Do not buy a house in Dwyane Wade's neighborhood because thieves will jack your car's rims. And avoid Star Island at all costs. Some wild, rich sex orgies be going up in there. You don't want to get caught up in a scandal. Shaq bought a house on Star Island, and he ended up in a messy divorce. Find a nice place in Broward, like Southwest Ranches, where Udonis Haslem lives.
Do get involved with established youth programs around the county, such as the Overtown and Liberty City Optimist Clubs, the Kendall Boys & Girls Clubs, the Doral Optimist Club, and the Broward Panthers Optimist. Holler at them at least once a year.
Do not go to the strip club without me. I'll be able to tell you which girls are the true exotic dancers and which ones are the skanky hoes. I took D-Wade to the strip club when he first got here. I schooled him so he never got jammed up with any strippers.
Do call your lawyer if New Times asks you to do an interview, because it means we caught your ass doing something dirty. Don't worry about the Miami Herald. That paper is your own personal propaganda machine. And if you want, you can always write your own articles in the Miami Times.
Do not wear a Florida Gators hat. With all due respect to your new teammates Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller, you guys don't want to be pulling a Tom Brady, who wore a Yankees cap in Boston. Sporting Gator gear in Miami will get you fucked up by Hurricanes fans.
You boys follow my advice, and you are good to go.