Pat Riley summoned forces of evil to lure LeBron to the Heat

A A A Comments (7) By Gus Garcia-Roberts Thursday, Jul 15 2010

For a city that made a mound of cocaine a must-have desktop accessory and likes its Brittos to match its Lamborghinis, this level of glossy athletic excess is only appropriate: Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James, three of the best ballers in the NBA, all descending on Miami to brutally pound opponents like hapless veal calves.

Mark Poutenis

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The best part, as we rip the heart from gasping northeast Ohio and crush it into mofongo: Miami doesn't even care about basketball. Cue the Scott Storch beat. Get Will Smith to do some languid salsa moves on a beach, zoom in on J.Lo's bikini-clad rear, and Photoshop out the black sludge lapping onto the sand. After a recession that had our villas in foreclosure, our Benzes in the repo lot, and our white linen suits in consignment, one stammered, overwrought, and overhyped decision on national television made it official: Miami's back, baby.

How in hell did Pat Riley pull it off? Free Tyler Weinman, because we've found the real cat killer. The Heat president had to have sacrificed an entire genus of animals to the Santería gods, after all, to arrange for this strike of black magic.

Bosh called Coach Slick a "mastermind-type genius." Miami Herald sportswriter Dan Le Batard termed him a "gangster." The dude still wears Armani suits and greased-back hair 20 years after Gordon Gekko made that look synonymous with greed and evil. With his wise-guy cragginess and cut-you-in-half laser gaze, Riley probably reduced LeBron James to a quivering puddle of tears, Vitaminwater, and diamonds when they held a seance at the superstar's Akron mansion.

Riley, who presumably packs a Persian cat on business trips so he can stroke it during negotiations, made the overmatched man-child-with-a-king-complex an offer he couldn't refuse.

Which reminds us: Do you really think basketball's Keyser Söze, after orchestrating the greatest sports coup since the Yankees got Babe Ruth for $200,000, will let Erik Spoelstra — the dull uncle at the Thanksgiving table — have the wicked fun of riding this three-backed beast to the NBA Finals? Come next spring, Riley wants to be the one prowling the sidelines like a hypnotic shark — and we just saw him emerging from a Little Haiti botanica with a new, black-mopped vodou doll.

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ABLACKMANDIDIT.COM 07/28/2011 12:26:00 PM

The people of South Florida might not have a professional soccer team, but you're lying, they love Basketball in Miami. In fact they love all sports, Maybe with the exception of soccer. But at least Berea might be coming to Miami, so all you morons that Black Basketball players overshadows during the season, will have a chance to yell for Berea, a super slick point gaurd.I don't think he worships statutes and has a better outlook on Black People than you do. You may be entertaining the few tie tongued Cubans you know, but for the most part, you are making enemies for yourself and your Journalism career. It makes no sense to alude to "Santerian Gods" and "Black Magic" sucker, when Americans believe in a Living God, not in statues of th e Virgin Mary or Jesus. You need an assignment editor to check you shit out, because you are animbicile. Remember that hatred and bitterness breeds the same.
ABLACKMANDIDIT.COM 07/28/2011 11:44:00 AM

Finally, and I'll leave this alone. The best shot of the final game wasn't LeBron James, Dirk, or Wade. It was the Miami Beach Police Department, Was it 12 policemen, who shot to death a man sitting at the steering wheel of his car. A witness said he was jumping around from the bullets like the final showdown in the Bonnie and Clyde movie. Why don't you idiots talk about that. Hopefully Federal indictments will be coming to the policemen and those who are covering it up.
ABLACKMANDIDIT.COM 07/28/2011 7:56:00 AM

Listen to me good. Somebody recently wrote in the Orlando Newspaper that a line should be drawn thru Florida across lake Okeechobee and divide the state in half. North Florida and South Florida. That would be the best bet for the state of Florida. Move the Heat to Palm Beach and the Marlins to Orlando. That way, when North Florida searches the nation for the best talent available, whether it is to run a hospital, an airport or a school system, they wont be hassled by retards who are looking to get their pockets wet and wont have to deal with third world jealousy and thievery politics. who
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penny 11/13/2010 6:46:00 AM

who cares about lebron james or pat riley. Be careful what u wish for or want. U just might get it.
Vladimir Gaspard 09/15/2010 1:45:00 PM

Kudos to Gus Garcia Roberts. This article is simply hilarious. That's right, baby...We're baaaaaack.(insert sinister laugh here)
Ochani Lele 07/20/2010 11:01:00 PM

You people removed all the comments that were made? You guys are so irresponsible that it's ridiculous. I might do a blog of my own on this article.