We hate that stupid mouse and all of his smiley friends. Given the chance, we'd sledgehammer the lot of 'em in a total cartoon massacre. We'd throw Mickey face first into a blender, put concrete boots on Donald and push him into the pool, and launch Minnie into space in the turbines of a rocket ship. We'd be the hunter who killed Bambi's mom, Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Jafar in Aladdin. We'd go posttraumatic U.S. vet and hang their severed ears from a leather string tanned from one of their animated hides. We'd eat their brains, sell their clothes on eBay, open credit cards in their names, and rack up tremendous gas bills. We'd steal their royalty checks and donate the money to anti-toon political action committees. Disney sucks, but let's face it, the kids love it. Take yours to Disney on Ice this Sunday and they'll think you're awesome.
Sun., April 4, 7:30 p.m., 2010