Super Bowl guide to sex, drugs, gambling, and living large in South Florida

What's his first name?

You don't know, do you? Initials don't count — and as an aside, we've never met an honest J.J. Also, if he goes by a nickname that sounds like something George W. Bush might name his friends — Scooter, Mulligan, Dickie, Bernie — pull his Ivy League cardigan over his head and run.

C. Stiles

C. Stiles

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Does he own a Hummer golf cart?

Unless the chap in question is a pro athlete, there is no more clear indicator of ill-gotten wealth than a $35,000 Hummer golf cart. Every Ponzi schemer you can name had one. Gen. Manuel Noriega reportedly has one on order for when he's released from prison. Simply put: If he had to work for his money, he wouldn't spend it on a Hummer golf cart.