By Michael E. Miller
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Munzenrieder
By Sabrina Rodriguez
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By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Luther Campbell
By Kyle Munzenrieder
Rent a Life
First, you'll need a car that costs more than your parents' house. Preferably, this vehicle should be of Italian make, as loud as a Hell's Angels motorcade, and the color of a Skittle. There are countless places to rent a Lamborghini or Ferrari in South Florida — but you don't want to do business with 98 percent of those hucksters. More often than not, the hirsute and gold-chained fellow trying to rent you an exotic vehicle doesn't have such a car in his possession — he's planning on renting it himself from some down-on-his-luck music producer. Which means there's no proper insurance. Which means if anything happens to the car on your watch, you're going to end up owing Scott Storch $400,000, which could get messy.
There are a few places on the up-and-up. In Miami-Dade, try American Luxury Auto Rental (305-526-1016), where you might be berated by the gruff, exotic-car Nazi manning the front desk, but you can have your pick of hundreds of luxury rides, and the insurance situation is legitimate. And if you're in Broward or Palm Beach, it's Gotham Dream Cars in Dania Beach (561-992-8700) — perhaps the only rental spot in the region where the staff seems to appreciate you're shelling out $700 a day for the experience. They even wear uniforms. (And, yep, that's how much a "budget" Ferrari will run you. On the high end, a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren will cost more than $4,000 for a weekend.)
If you park your rented Lamborghini outside a Biscayne Boulevard flop hotel, not only will it look tacky but also somebody is going to have sex in it. No, you'll need matching lodging. You're going to have to rent a mansion. Pay a visit to what might be South Florida's quintessential industry: the "lifestyle broker" — where not only will they procure you a few days in a villa that belongs to an indicted Miami financier, but also they will get your Elephant Man-esque mug past the velvet ropes at exclusive nightclubs. One of many providers that will sell you the full package is Carefree Lifestyle on South Beach (866-589-8796) — but considering that plebeians are attempting to rent their one-bedrooms for thousands a day during Super Bowl weekend, you better come armed with a mighty high credit limit. And don't worry: Your borrowed glitz need not be land-locked. Lifestyle brokers rent yachts too.
Look the Part
In South Florida, there are some well-known rules concerning personal appearance if you ever want to make it into the VIP section. First, every square inch of your body must be the hue of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Every inch. Yep. We'll get to that in a moment.
Second, the only places where hair follicles are acceptable are: (a) on the top of your head, (b) in threaded form, above your eyes, and (c) above your upper lip in bushy form — but only if you're a male who has smuggled more than a kilo of cocaine into this country and can prove it with old police reports. That third rule is strictly enforced.
How can you acquire such a look? Read on, our naive Kansan friend.
For that "every square inch" thing we mentioned above, there is a product called "anal bleaching cream" that really requires no explanation. It sells for $50 a tube, and you can find it at most waxing centers in South Florida, including the South Beach Body Waxing Co. (305-531-3130). That's where a counterperson reminded us that, for maximum effect, you should probably get your nether region's 5 o'clock shadow removed by one of their technicians before applying the cream. Their bikini wax costs $14 for women and $35 for men.
Then head to a tanning salon — and leave your Speedo on the floor before stepping into the capsule for the full-body effect. Sure, there's the beach, but that just doesn't supply the same radioactive glow. Little-known fact: On some corners of SoBe and Las Olas in Fort Lauderdale, municipal officials shut off streetlights so tourists can watch the glowing people stream from club to club. It's like a subtropical version of the northern lights.
Beware of Scammers
Unfortunately, South Floridians addicted to the high life have concocted far more nefarious methods of living beyond their rightful means than the maxed-out credit card. From Ponzi schemes to Medicare fraud to embezzlement, this is a land of scams, and the past couple of cash-strapped years have seen the exposure of a Rolex-wearing army of local con men and charlatans. Once you look like a million bucks, these characters will find you. Hide the silver. And the anal cream. Here are a few warning signs.
What's his car's vanity plate?
For instance, how many N's does he use to spell his version of "STUNNNNNA"? More than five and you know he's the fly-by-night type. Beware. Fewer than five means he has at least been established in Florida for a while. Also, if his license plate is, say, "STOXNBONDS" but he tells you he's in the medical supplies field, he might be getting his scams mixed up.