We want you to behave like you are out with your parents. We're providing a fantasy world. Don't get caught up in the illusion.

Decoding Escort Ads

There are plenty of adult-services ads online and in free publications (like the one you're reading), but finding the right prostitute can be hard enough without having to figure out all of the industry jargon. Below is a legend for decoding those ads.

Incall — You drive to the prostitute, usually at a hotel.

Outcall — The prostitute comes to you.

LFK — Light French kissing, open mouth maybe, but no making out.

DFK — Making out is a go.

BBBJ — Bareback blowjob, or oral sex without a condom.

CBJ — Covered blowjob, AKA oral sex with a condom.

DATY — Dining at the "Y" is a male performing oral sex on a female.

K9 — The prostitute is willing to allow entry from behind, though not necessarily anal.

Greek (or speak Greek, trip to Athens) — The escort is willing to participate in anal intercourse.

HH — Half-hour, generally accompanied by a monetary amount.

GFE — Girlfriend experience means you get her affection in addition to her body. This might include going on dates, kissing on the mouth, or role-playing.

PSE — Porn star experience can include dynamic positioning, moaning, and the general showmanship of adult cinema.

Is Your Prostitute a Cop?

Plenty of cops will be conducting prostitution rings this week. Sadly, short of witnessing her have sex with your friend, there's no sure-fire way of knowing the prostitute you're trying to patronize is not an undercover cop. So we spoke with a few local prostitutes, both male and female, and put together some tips to help make your exchange of money for sex in South Florida a little less awkward. Here are some clues that your would-be hookeraa could be a cop:

She's in a rush. "Working girls want your money, simple as that," says an escort we'll call Amber. "They'll take the time if they think it'll pay off in the end." Police officers posing as decoys want to arrest as many people as possible that night and don't want to have a conversation longer than one minute with any of them.

She looks too good. Police want to attract as many men as possible, so they aren't going to use an unattractive decoy. If she seems out of place strolling along Biscayne Boulevard or sitting in a shabby motel room, you might be looking at five-o.

She doesn't do drugs. If the person you're feeling out is unwilling to partake in whatever mild drugs you might offer, there's a decent chance he or she is a police officer. The good news is that you know. The bad news is that you just offered drugs to a cop.

She mentions money. Prostitutes generally call the cash being exchanged a "donation," often referring to the dollar amount in "roses" or "kisses." If she seems quick to talk about money, mosey on out of there, cowboy.

She won't get naked. Police officers won't want to take off their clothes for you. A prostitute who believes it will lead to a sale probably will. Also, it's not illegal to ask someone to pose for naked photos.

She says she's not a cop. Just remember, there's no law that says police officers can't lie to you.

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Getting Wasted in Paradise

Even if the local cocaine industry isn't what it used to be, South Florida remains the drug's cultural capital of the world. Some locals think it's their civic duty to powder their noses as if Boy George were still on the Top 40, and tourists won't allow themselves to visit without sampling an eightball — that would be like going to San Francisco without taking a trolley ride. And loose laws have once again made South Florida the undisputed champion when it comes to another type of drug: the pain pill, available for little hassle at the ubiquitous local dispensary. Sure, they produce a more floaty high than you get from coke, but pain pills achieve the most important objective of any drug: They make techno music bearable.

Procuring Party Pills

Prescription pill addiction is among the most insidious, degenerate afflictions known to man, ripping apart bodies, families, and the health-care system. Your problem: You didn't want to risk transporting the ridiculously disgusting amount of pills you and your friends are going to need for your time in South Florida. Or maybe you've heard about all the pill dispensaries down here and you're thinking, When in Rome... Either way, if you're looking for somewhere to score pills, you've come to the right place.

Cash Crop

In 2008, about half the illegal prescription drugs in this country came from the Sunshine State, according to the Drug Enforcement Agency. In Florida, OxyContin and Xanax aren't the new cocaine; they're coke plus heroin, pot, meth, and all hallucinogens combined. Three times as many people here die from prescription pills than from all other drugs combined, according to a Florida Medical Examiners Commission report that was published in 2008.

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