Sex machine Fidel Castro is now only 56 percent dead, experts fear

Last week was a busy one for Fidel Castro. First the Cuban propaganda machine (which runs on an engine salvaged from a 1959 Ford Zephyr) released photos showing a robust-looking Fidel meeting with the Nicaraguan president. Then a filmmaker shooting a documentary about Che's BFF reported that Fidel slept with 35,000 women — according to a former government crony identified only as "Ramón."

Mark Poutenis

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• Fidel Castro
• Metamucil
• Ford Zephyr
• Latin American Politics
• Government and Politics

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The new headlines mean it's time for the media to play our favorite regularly scheduled, quad-annual parlor game: Just How Dead Is Fidel Castro Anyway?

Not to be left out of the speculation, Riptide has hired several high-priced experts to estimate Fidel's current level of death — and they've reported a very alarming finding:

El Supremo hasn't been less dead since 1986.

Among the telltale signs: The new photos show Fidel cracking up everybody in the room. He has clearly just told a classic rip-roarer — you know how he gets when he's all hopped up on Metamucil and tyranny. Either he's somewhat alive, or the Cubans have achieved unprecedented progress in animatronic-dictator technology. And then there's the fact — for how could it be anything else if it comes from "Ramón"? — of the nearly 3,000 dozen mamacitas who have felt the tickle of la barba del barbaro. When you have that much sex, you never die. Ask Dick Clark.

Allow our experts to break down the frightening results.

How dead is he?: 56 percent.

How dead is that?: Well, he's deader than Tupac Shakur but less dead than Ted Williams. Two out of three funeral directors would have no professional qualms about embalming Fidel in his current state, but top Cuban officials tell us he is still faster than Usain Bolt, remains hotter than Colin Farrell, and has been way deader, like, tons of times.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Extremely. We're hearing word that, in order to show his revived strength, Fidel might just ban something from the island for the hell of it — like rainbow sprinkles. Because he already axed strawberry topping in '94, ice cream in Cuba could be less delicious than ever.