Five reasons Miami will never host the Olympics

Last week, Rio de Janeiro beat Chicago to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. Rio and Miami share many things, including tourism, beaches, and lots of South Americans. But here are five reasons why the Magic City will never host the Olympics.

1. Public transportation: In a metropolitan area of more than 5.4 million people, which can be expected to at least double during the Olympics, Miami has one rail line. So that leaves it to the buses. And the 3 million drivers who do not understand the tiny lever on the left side of the steering wheel is used to indicate a turn. Put simply: Tourists would be late to events, natives would be late to work, and cops and EMTs would just set up lawn chairs on the side of I-95, drinking Arnold Palmers as they listened to Phil Collins.

2. Mascot: The mascot becomes a flash-in-the-pan Mickey Mouse of sorts. What would Miami choose? Alligator is obvious, but let's give him a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, a blowout hairdo, D&G shades, and man-capris.

3. Weather: The high average temperature in Rio in August is a perfect 78 degrees. If the summer games were held here, Usain Bolt would explode like a bag of Rip Taylor's confetti. Michael Phelps would have to swim around spectators who jump in the pool to avoid heatstroke. Olympians from around the world would endure empty stadium after empty stadium. Diagnosed with Floridamarlinsitis, they would return home utterly depressed, defeated, and toting lots of teal clothing.

4. Sports: Though the beach volleyball games would be widely attended, what Miamian in his right mind would watch men's wrestling? Or handball? Or the trampoline? The Miami Olympics would have to have their own sports: Bring back jai-alai. Bust out the bocce. Sex worker pick-up at Biscayne and 79th. Interstate road-rage lane weaving. Who can score an eightball the fastest?

5. Local dignitaries: If Chicago can fail with arguably the world's most powerful man (Obama) and the world's most powerful woman (Oprah), how can Miami expect to succeed with... Dan Marino? Gloria Estefan? Glenn Rice? Let's form a committee of Rick Ross and Robert "the Raven" Kraft. At least that way, even if we lose, we can intimidate the crap out of the other loser cities. Eat our boy shorts, Istanbul.