Dude, Where's My Schlong?

A Coral Gables man loses his penis and fights back in court.

Medical malpractice litigation tends to put a price on human body parts. Got your spleen punctured during a messy surgery? Here's a few thousand for your pain and suffering. Lost a big toe? That's six-figure territory. A recklessly amputated arm might net you a million bucks.

We may soon find out what a penis is worth.

Behold the plight of 62-year-old Coral Gables resident Enrique Millas. All the poor guy ever wanted to do was have sex with his wife of 25 years, Gloria. But he couldn't. So he went to local penis guru Paul E. Perito, a urologist who touts himself as a national leader in penile implant surgery. And here our story swerves into Saw-caliber horror territory.

Even when everything goes right, Perito's surgery is not for the faint of heart. The penile implant is a bendable silicone rod that looks something like an orchestra conductor's baton. After the operation, which involves stitches, "swelling," and "bruising," according to the doctor's website, patients "should keep their penis against the abdomen for three days with the supplied scrotal support." The patient will never be flaccid again — even at Thanksgiving dinner: "The implant leaves the penis in the erect state at all times, and the patient positions the penis for his comfort or activity."

Anybody else having flashbacks to eighth-grade history class?

Millas's surgery did not go well. His penis became gangrenous, and after thwarted surgeries to save it, Perito removed the battered organ.

In a lawsuit filed this past August 31 in Miami-Dade court, Millas claims his diabetes led to the complications and should have dissuaded Perito from performing the surgery. Millas's lawyer, Spencer Aronfeld, calls a man's penis his very "essence" and mortifies Riptide with a description of Millas's post-op life: He'll never have sex again. He urinates sitting down. And he's ashamed to look at his body in the mirror.

Perito could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer insists penis implantation is "appropriate" for patients with diabetes.

Millas didn't quantify the damages he's seeking in the malpractice suit, which has Riptide wondering: How much is that penis in the dumpster? There is, as it happens, an established local going rate for damaged manhood. In 2006, a South Beach bartender was awarded $1.5 million after urologists injured his penis in a wart removal surgery, leaving the member painfully curved and forcing him to take painkillers before and after sex. But at least the guy could still use his unit. This leads us to believe that in Millas's case, even a mil and a half is a flaccid figure.

 
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