By Chuck Strouse
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By Terrence McCoy
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By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
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By Kyle Swenson
Hello, Kitty: After four months of me begging, my ex-girl and I are finally back on good terms after my cheating ways caused our relationship to crumble. We hang out nearly every night, and unlike before, when we'd just party and get fucked up, we're actually spending quiet, quality time together. And excuse my corniness, but I'm loving every minute of it. Before our breakup, we had been together for nearly five years and discussed marriage, a family, and all, so I'm glad to get back on that path with her. But of course there's a problem — a pretty big problem. While we were broken up, I was fucking another girl and she got pregnant. The worst part is she's keeping the baby, she's a cokehead, and in around five months, I'm going to be the father of a junkie's child. My girlfriend is going to be beyond pissed. I haven't told her yet, and I want to wait until we're truly back at 100 percent because I know this can be a deal breaker. We've always talked about having kids, and she's going to be devastated to learn I'm having a child. Please tell me how I can break this news to her without losing her again.
Hey, Iam: You and your dick have gotten yourself into quite a sticky situation, and though I'd love to send you to the nearest flower shop or jewelry store to buy your girl's forgiveness, there's really no easy way to break this news to her. She probably won't be too upset that you fucked someone else while you two were apart, but your impending fatherhood takes the relationship to an entirely different space. And if she wanted to have your first child, that makes the situation even stickier because essentially you're a different man now — one with a kid by another woman. Sure, you didn't plan the pregnancy, but babies aren't born on trees. Did you wrap your stick up?
You'll need to come clean, and soon. The longer you wait, the more betrayed your girl will feel and it's less likely she'll be able to move past the fact that you've been fulfilling your shared plans for a family without her. Might she think you wanted to have a baby with the junkie until she agreed to take you back? Might she choose to leave you after hearing about the stork's upcoming delivery? Yes, and yes, so you'll have to man up and deal with the consequences. At this point, she thinks things between you two are as they were before the breakup. You'll have to tell her the truth so she can decide if she wants to continue the relationship. You might not want to hear her answer, but she deserves to know what's going on. If she decides to leave you, I suggest you keep in contact with her. It's often the shock of a situation that causes people to react drastically, so she might simply need time to absorb the news, and then you and she could be OK. But act fast, because once the baby is born, you won't have time to worry about it — I hear 3 a.m. feedings are a beeyotch. Meow.