Same Pump, Different Day

Hello, Kitty: I've been single for close to a year now and while I don't miss the stress of having to entertain a girlfriend, I do miss the guaranteed sex of a relationship. I do have a few jump-offs in my phone book, but I guess my skills aren't tight enough. I always end up alone at the end of the night. That has gotten boring. I'm not ready to jump into the type of commitment that will afford me sex on the regular, so how can I spice up my solo sex life? FYI, I've exhausted the celeb fantasies and Jergens lotion option. Help!

Sicka Myhand

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Hey, Sicka: You're right — there's more than one way to beat a dick. Whether you have a gf or not, it's always good to have a few tricks in your arsenal for those times when she's out of town, has a "headache," or is too sleepy. Jergens and celeb fantasies? I'm assuming that you're over 18, so in that many years you've only been able to imagine up two ways to self-serve? Jeez, Sicka, I'm sure your penis is just as bored with you. If you always use the same exact grip, rhythm, and stroke, you're training your body to get off in that way — and only that way. Variety is not only the spice of life, it's the road to exquisite and unique orgasms.

When it comes to different types of lube, you can switch from plain Jerg to exotic coconut oil, fry-friendly vegetable oil, soap (this works double duty for a dirty dicky), hair conditioner, baby oil, good 'ol saliva, and anything else created to keep things slick and moist. I mentioned many oil-based products because they don't dry up as quickly. Or try using a condom. Lube up the inside with KY or some other water-based solution and treat your hand like a hooker on the point. Bang. Bang. Bang. (Add your own exclamation points, if necessary.) This will even work with a plastic bag if you're so sex-starved that you don't even have rubbers handy. But if you have roommates, don't let them catch you in your room with a Walgreens sack on your manliness — cool points will be lost. And definitely don't let them catch you on your knees, humping the space in between the mattress and box spring — it'll feel oh so good, but no one will ever let you forget it. Good luck. Meow.

Got a question? Email kitty@miaminewtimes.com, or visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/magic_city_kitty

 
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