Is Her Vibrator the Terminator?

Hello, Kitty: My girlfriend recently bought a vibrator and I don't know what to think of it. She's never told me she wanted (or needed) sexual help from an electronic device, and I've never been a fan of something I think is kind of a substitute for what's in my pants. So when she whipped it out at dinner, gloating about her new toy, I wasn't so excited. I questioned her (maybe a little too harshly, but I was upset) and she claims it's just for when I'm not home and that it will only lead to more sex. I don't see how; I think the machine will satisfy her. I'm totally tempted to trash the thing, but I know that's wrong. Tell me, what's the word on these vibrators? Should I take her new purchase as a sign I'm not doing my job in the bedroom?

Toby Replaste

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Hey, Toby: Get over yourself, chief. First and foremost, you could never compete with that dildo, so there's no use in trying. It needs no empty compliments or a sandwich after sex, never asks to "bite me on my left nipple six times and then suck," and requires only a battery or AC adapter (not ESPN) to function. When your girl purchased the vibe, she was buying sexual freedom: the ability to get off at her leisure. Sure, a finger works for us girls too, but a vibrator takes masturbation to another level. Alternating speeds, various wave patterns and intensities, and a silky-smooth surface are a few of the benefits; they are also qualities you should try to emulate.

But don't worry about being replaced by an emotionless piece of silicone. Though a vibrator can be amazing, it can't substitute for a real man who can kiss, talk, fix a car, etc. And if I were in a dark alley, I'd rather have a dude by my side than a fuckin' Rabbit. A vibrator is typically used as an all-inclusive fuckbuddy only if a girl has no other options. True, your lady could have gotten you involved in the purchase to help you feel in the loop, but you surely didn't talk to her before buying that vat of cocoa butter. Relax, let her get her rocks off solo, and think about incorporating the vibe into your couple-play. Want to show her you're truly not threatened by her new "friend"? Hold the vibrator against the underside of your tongue while you lick her clitoris. She'll love you long time. Meow.

Got a question? Email kitty@miaminewtimes.com, or visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/magic_city_kitty

 
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