Mascot Wars

At 12:10 p.m. this Thursday, the Florida Marlins will play the St. Louis Cardinals. Cardinals are stupid. Wikipedia says they’re “seed eaters.” What kind of lowlife hippie bird is runnin’ that ball club anyway? Cardinals are red, like communists, and we heard St. Louis smells bad. Watch the Fish crush those flying rats with the unrelenting fury of our powerful billfish namesake. We are Marlins; we swim fast, fight for sport, and sometimes kill fishermen. We are Marlins, and we call a castle named for a terrible beer our home. Cardinals are part of a family of birds called “buntings.” Marlins bunt only when it’s called for, and we’re done giving up grand slams, dammit. There won’t be any special concerts or fireworks after the game, but an inflatable Billy the Marlin will be standing on the 100-level concourse so you can take a picture with him. Tickets range from $12 to $300. Call 877-MARLINS or visit marlins.com, and be sure to sign up for the Marlins Mortgage Payout sweepstakes, ’cause we Fish stick together.
Thu., June 11, 12:10 p.m., 2009