Hello, Kitty: A few weeks ago, I came home to find my husband having sex with my cousin. When I walked in the door, they looked at me and then just kept pumping away. The three of us have had multiple threesomes and I'd watched him have sex with her before, but walking in on them alone was another thing completely. Later, when I came face-to-face with them, I didn't feel as if I could say anything. It had been my understanding there was no "them" without me. Ever since then, I've definitely been feeling awkward around them, sensing their relationship is deeper than I had ever imagined. I know my husband is extremely pleased with me for allowing another woman into our bed. And prior to the addition, our chemistry had all but disappeared, so I don't want to do anything to make him unhappy. But I don't know if I can live with being the other woman. I want to talk to him about it but am afraid to hear him say he'd choose her over me. Please help me figure this out. I don't want to lose anymore.
Hey, Ima: Venturing outside the traditional lines of marriage is usually difficult, and you and your little threesome certainly haven't pulled it off with grace. If the rules were that he and she would be together only in your presence, that's what should have happened. It's true that opening your bed to another woman opens the door to these types of betrayal. But I'm guessing that by going with your cousin, you were thinking your blood would be the last one to violate your agreement. Arrangements such as these are imperfect and difficult to regulate, but once two-thirds of the group begins to disobey the rules, trouble is sure to ensue. You're left with feelings of distrust, resentment, and solitude — three conditions known to break down even the baddest bitch. However, now is not the time to break down, because the weak one is sure to be left trembling on the outside of the game.
Wanting to satisfy your husband's sexual desires is wonderful; you shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness, though. If an arrangement you've engineered leaves you feeling like you can't speak up when rules have been violated, it's obviously not a good situation. Nor is it a good situation for your cousin. She needs to be kicked off the ride. Period. Sure, try a new third party, but not before you have a conversation about expectations. If a wife and permitted mistress aren't enough for your husband, he's not enough for you. Meow.