Mom Bakes More than Cookies

Hello, Kitty: My relationship with my mom has been strained ever since I dropped out of college to pursue a career selling jeans at the Gap. But not long ago, I lost my job, and she offered up her spare bedroom. I'm guessing that it was simply lip service since she now tells me to get out daily. And not with words. In the worst way. She and her boyfriend (who's 12 years her senior) have sex all the time and run around naked when they're not joined at the hip. Prior to my moving in, their touchy-feeliness told me that they had a healthy sex life, but I never knew how healthy. When I wake up in the morning, I hear them humping. When I go out to get some Subway around noon, they're getting freaky in the dining room; and when I get back, they're lounging around the kitchen in the nude! I know that my mom can do what she likes in her house, but I'd like for her to respect that I'm there. I know I'm her daughter and only 27, but how can I ask this grown woman to cut back on the fuckery while I'm around?

Troma Ties

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istockphoto.com

Hey, Troma: You can't tell her to stop. What you can tell her is, "Mom, I found a job. I'm moving out." It's too bad the Gap downsized and you had to return to the womb, but that's your problem, not your mom's. If she wants to dick around at 10 a.m., 4 p.m., and half past midnight, she has the right. If you had been enterprising enough to find a man or friends to shack up with when times got rough, you wouldn't have to smell tu madre's badussy mingling with the scent of the onions from your $5 foot long. I don't necessarily agree that your mom is using sex as a weapon to convince you to leave – this is probably how she was living before you moved back in. She may have considered easing up but decided against it. In her house, she rules. What you can do is get a life or a job, whatever you can do to not be in the house so often. Though she may seem unfazed by the sight of you while her old man is sticking her, it's probably making her uncomfortable too. However, if they stopped doing it so often, the dynamic of their relationship could change, resulting in a breakup. All your fault. Get a job, move in with friends, leave Mom to her fuckery. Meow.

Got a question? Email kitty@miaminewtimes.com, or visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/magic_city_kitty

 
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