The Other Ramirez

Just a few weeks ago, the Florida Marlins pitching staff was being called the best in baseball. Now they might as well be called “Denny’s” for their propensity for serving up grand slams willy-nilly, a whopping five so far this season. They’ve also set a franchise record for most consecutive games without recording a win for a starter, and on the other side of the plate, they’re ranked in the bottom three in the National League in batting average, on-base percentage, slugging, and OPS.

More bad news is that the NL West-leading Los Angeles Dodgers are in town this weekend, but with the silver lining that their best player, Manny Ramirez, was recently suspended for 50 games for taking hCG, a female fertility drug often used by steroid users to restabilize their testosterone levels. And to think “Tranny” was almost a Marlin. The Fish were reportedly in on the talks last fall with Boston, who chose instead to ship him to L.A. when the Dodgers threw in a little more cash. Not that we would have re-signed him in the off-season anyway, but it’s nice to know we’re completely unassociated with Ramirez’s now-tainted legacy. Do they make a drug that keeps batters from swinging at pitches four feet outside the strike zone? If you know of one, ship a big box to Dan Uggla, c/o Florida Marlins, Dolphin Stadium, 2269 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami Gardens, FL 33056. First pitch is at 1:10. Tickets start at $12 and can be purchased at florida.marlins.mlb.com.
Sun., May 17, 1:10 p.m., 2009