To Serve and Nut-Check

The Guantánamo torture memos were released last week, allegedly ushering in a new age of government transparency. Riptide aims to cut the crap on a local level, too, beginning with our own self-aggrandizing cops.

Nearly every police department has some warm and friendly motto to adorn the sides of its cruisers — you know, something like "Courtesy, professionalism, and respect."

Unfortunately, about the only time you'll notice one of these slogans is when your nose is pressed up against it — as a burnt-out, vein-popping cop jabs an elbow into your abdomen and rifles through your pockets, screaming, "Where's the shit?!"

We're all about telling it like it is here at Riptide. So we've taken a look at the axioms of a few local police departments and decided what their slogans should be in an honest world.

Miami Springs Police

Modus operandi: Speed traps. Tons of them.

Old slogan: "Personalized police service."

New slogan: "Bienvenido a paraíso. We'll be waiting in the bushes for you."

Surfside Police

Modus operandi: Corralling roving bands of Metamucil-drunk geriatrics.

Old slogan: "A rich tradition of community policing."

New slogan: "Sir, slowly put down the schmear."

Biscayne Park Police

Modus operandi: Stealing people's drugs, apparently. Last year, a bag of pot went missing from the evidence room.

Old slogan: "Patrolling the village of homes."

New slogan: "Have you ever watched the Wizard of Oz on mute while playing Pink Floyd, man? It's far-out."

Opa-locka Police

Modus operandi: Staying alive in America's most dangerous city.

Old slogan: "Of the people, by the people, for the people."

New slogan: "Duck, motherfucker!"