"Only if it included morning-after pills and one of those 20-minute AIDS tests," she coughs. "Or Claritin. I once slept over at someone's house who was filthy and had a dog. My allergies acted up all night long. Plus his dog wouldn't stop sniffing my crotch the morning after."
Well, the kit does include wipes.
"And another time, I stayed over at the place of a much younger guy. I was 36 at the time, and he was at least 15 years younger than me. I should've been suspicious when we drove up to a large, four-bedroom home in the suburbs, but I was drunk and didn't feel like talking my way out of a DUI, so I slept over. The next morning, I tried to sneak out but was confronted by his mother in the kitchen."
Did Heather feel ashamed?
"No!" says the cougar, her eyes bugging out and then quickly squinting closed. "Why would I feel bad for scoring with a hot, young guy? That's the problem with products like this. It's all good for laughs, but it perpetuates that double standard that women feel shameful while men are proud of their conquests."
But, I explain, there will soon be a Walk of Shame Kit for men.
"And what will theirs have? A disposable camera so they can snap a quick shot of the latest notch in their belt? I'm sure the creator of this product thinks the concept is liberating, but being liberated is wearing the clothes you had on the night before and not giving a shit what people think of you."
Not giving a shit what people think of you? Are you from Miami?