The Woman Whisperer

He said he could teach anyone to pick up a lady. So I put him to the test.

It's an easy, breezy Tuesday evening at Monty's (2550 S. Bayshore Dr., Coconut Grove) when Chris, a short, 27-year-old Cuban-American with a handlebar mustache, jitters past a circle-jerk of about 15 middle-age shrimpers hunched over the tiki-thatched patio's main bar. Their necks are the same color as the pink sunset that flickers on the cobalt water.

"Does your vagina burn?" snidely asks a pot-bellied pig of a man in a tropical button-down.

Emasculating? Sure. But it's not completely unwarranted. Chris is sporting a hot-pink feathered boa and a plastic tiara. There's a maxipad stuck to each of his shoulders, and a huge, hollow strap-on dildo dangling from his neck that's stuffed with a half-used tube of Monistat 7.

It's all the result of a challenge I had given to a 38-year-old Lenny Kravitz look-alike named Francisco Del, AKA "Del Kino," a self-proclaimed dating guru of Puerto Rican, Dominican, and Barbadian descent who's been residing in the Magic City since 1979. Think Hitch or an aviator-goggle-toting "Mystery" (à la VH1) with an Afro, eyeliner, and a chainlink necklace with a lion-face door knocker emblem.

He had called me with this claim: "I don't want to sound cocky, but I can teach any guy to pick up any chick, even if you strap a dildo to his forehead."

And here's his story: Del hasn't always been what Sadé refers to as a "smooth operator." At one point, he was more like what TLC called a "scrub." He indulged in the lifestyle of a struggling musician, until his girlfriend demanded he get a job. Instead, he cheated on her, they broke up, and Del's life fell apart. Then he took the unusual step of spending $2,700 on self-help books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; The Secret; and The Art of Seduction.

"That's why I charge my clients $2,500 for four eight-hour sessions," Del says. "It's a return on my investment."

Del came to the conclusion that his biggest problem was fear of rejection. So he decided to go out for 21 days to South Beach clubs in order to slay his personal demons with the use of a simple pick-up line: "I want to fuck you."

He got his ass kicked a few times. "I even got kicked in the balls, once," Del says. "But after four days, I made 'I want to fuck you' work."

He attributes the success of that alluring line to a change in body language and tone.

After a stint in Los Angeles, he returned to Miami, where he says he has four students. He's still in the early stages of putting together a self-help CD that will sell for $19.99. It'll be called The Woman Whisperer.

Yeah. Because the female gender — often referred to as chicks, foxes, and cougars — needs to be compared to horses.

So in the final week of February, I decided to test his claim. I brought along a bag of tricks, including the aforementioned dildo, a boa, and other props that might challenge Del's prowess. We headed to The Florida Room (The Delano, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach), a low-ceilinged, amber-lit, and heavily mirrored lounge reserved for trust-funders and the Mary-Kate Olsens of the world.

"Women are usually referred to as targets," he told me, "but I prefer to call them 'love interests' because I want to teach men how to attract that special someone, not how to get laid."

His first assignment was to help a tall, handsome lovelorn blond from Paris. Del spotted the guy leering at a lanky blonde in a blue zebra-print off-the-shoulder Tarzan top who was shaking her ass across the dance floor. So he walked over to the guy and offered some advice of the following sort: "Don't worry — I'll be your quarterback... If you fumble, say the first thing that pops into your head," and, my personal fave, "Go rush that girl."

Then we plopped a tiara on the poor Parisian's head, and the pair approached zebra girl. Maybe it was the tiara. Perhaps it was a lack of charisma or a failure of English fluency. But in less than five minutes, she turned her back on the good-looking foreigner and began petting Del's hair like it was a mystical Chia Pet.

"It was all body language," Del explained. "He was too eager. He wasn't playing it cool."

Whatever. No first down for Del.

Next we headed for Churchill's Pub (5501 NE Second Ave., Miami), where we met Con, a Greek-Brit with curly, Sideshow Bob hair and a heavy Manchester accent. We unveiled our plan and gave him a strap-on dildo to make the pick-up just that much more fun. He immediately placed it on top of his head like an X-rated hat.

"So, can I get your number?" Con asked me.

"No," said Del, frustrated. "Women need to feel a sense of comfort first. Establish that. Then play with the fact that most have baggage."

Con rolled his eyes.

"Pardon me, milady," he said with a smile, "can I get your bloody number, you fucking emotional wreck?"

Con then proceeded to try to grope my boob.

Now it was third down and ten.

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