By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
Contrary to popular belief, I am capable of love. Many ladies have loved me, and I love myself as strongly as they did. I know how to show las señoritas a lovely time. I know how to love their bodies, but I can say "I love you" only to myself, and that makes Valentine's Day very challenging for me.
I need outside help. So I sat down with Debbie D., of the now-defunct group Avenue D. We had a long talk about life, love, and, most important, what to do to make a woman feel loved on Valentine's.
José El Rey: So, should I show up to my Valentine's house with an edible gift? Like candies?
Debbie D: Show up? You should be there when she gets home with a romantic candlelit dinner that you spent all day making.
Oh! Really? But that won't give me enough time to get into my fancy clothes. I need to try on a few dozen outfits that day.
Clothes? You don't need clothes on Valentine's Day. Just elephant undies.
OK. Be naked. I got it. One time, a girl got really mad at me on Valentine's for inviting her dad to eat with us. What was I supposed to do? He was hungry and her dad. She said it was the worst Valentine's Day ever.
That's pretty bad, José! But not as bad as when my boyfriend ditched me to take Ecstasy and go to a rave with the guys!
Yeah, raves are cool. With the glowing things. Sometimes I have to tell girls I cannot be their Valentine because I don't like them, but I'm bad at saying that nicely. How do I reject someone nicely?
Say, "No, thank you."
No. Thank you?
Yes. Then try to find a more appropriate date for them, like one of your single friends.
I gotta go get my eyebrows separated. Thanks for teaching me how to be a good Valentine.
Music! Don't forget to play some romantic music.
Like what? Snow's "Informer" and El General's "Pun Tun Tun" are pretty good for lovemaking.
I'd make her a mixtape or CD or playlist and listen to it with her. Work your way up to the sexy songs. Here's an example: "Luckiest Guy," the Magnetic Fields; "Totally in Love," Avenue D; "You're So Fine," Egyptian Lover; "Passion," the Flirts; "Touch Me," Samantha Fox; and "My Neck, My Back," Khia.
Egyptian Lover will totally make the ladies make out with me!