Kitty Goes to the Dogs

Middle-age housewife wants to screw the pooch.

Comments (0) By Raina McLeod Thursday, Jan 15 2009

Hello, Kitty:

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I am a 51-year-old housewife; my husband is the same age and I love him to death. But we rarely have sex. We just recently adopted a Japanese Akita from friends who were moving out of state, and he's really a handful. He's completely hyperactive and shows his affection by grabbing hold of my leg and well, you know. He has even done this to hubby and houseguests. My husband says it's because the dog is male and is trying to mate but has no outlet. He added that given the chance, the dog would have sexual intercourse with me too. He doesn't even think it's a problem.

I have done Internet searches on this subject and found images of women with dogs in various sex acts. But I don't know which way to go from here. I do miss having an active sex life. Could our new pet provide what I am missing? And safely?

Juana Puppyluv

Hey, Juana:

Could your horny new housemate give you what you're missing? Yes. Safely? Sure, if you don't mind riding a dude with teeth that can crunch through a chicken bone and a lovemaking style best described as a furry blitzkrieg.

I'm not one to judge who or what you should allow to fill the space between your legs, Juana, and you should know I've had experience only with mongrels of the human kind. The mere thought of a mutt voraciously licking my face or humping at the speed of light is a turnoff. The drooling, shitting all over the place, ball-licking — all personal deal breakers for dude or dog.

I also can't ignore the ethical issues behind bestiality, nor will I discuss them since you didn't ask, "Should?" You asked, "Could?" And the answer is yes. According to an expert I consulted — let's call her "The Vet" — your dog could and would have sex with you, but you need to let him know your vajayjay is open and ready for the taking. The Vet suggests spreading a bit of honey on your privates and letting the tail-wagger do what comes naturally. As far as actual penetration, Fido will know exactly what to do and how to do it. The Vet recommends tying socks on the pooch's paws to protect your skin from the inevitable clawing. The good news is that if you do shag the dog, you can't get preggo. So — whew — no pitter-patter of little mog feet to worry about.

More good news is that bestiality is still fair game in many states including Florida, so while it's illegal to own a pit bull in Miami-Dade County, you can fuck a shih tzu till the cats come home. Check out youtube.com/magiccitykitty for video of The Vet's full letter. Plenty of details, no reenactments. Meow.

Got a question? E-mail kitty@miaminewtimes.com, or visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/magic_city_kitty