By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
Trying to make a New Year's resolution stick is like trying to get all of your friends to call you by a self-appointed nickname. (Dudes, from now on, call me "Shatterstar.") This year, I'm gonna buckle down and really stick to my resolution. Of course, I say that every time. I've kept a few resolutions, but not until years later.
In 1999, I swore on my collection of San Lazaro candles I'd quit Coke (the soda); that resolution came true in 2003, when I discovered diet Jupiña. In 2002, I promised Papa Dios I'd quit coke (not the soda); I didn't stick to that one until 2005. In 2006, I resolved to date only ladies born later than 1970 and before 1987; mission accomplished in 2008.
On New Year's Day 2008, I resolved I'd make a resolution for 2009 that I'd keep. Clearly there's a lot riding on my 2009 resolution. If I don't keep this next one, that means I'll have instantly broken two years' resolutions. But if I keep this next one, I'm the best!
So the thought has occurred to me to make a resolution to give up something I'm not really that into. I'll resolve not to listen to Nickelback, Creed, Linkin Park, or Disturbed anymore. I'll resolve to no longer watch Carlos Mencia on the TV set. I'll resolve to not watch Fox and Friends in the morning. Too easy! It's like when I gave up asking girls to be my girlfriends and just started saying they were my girlfriends.
I have to look into myself and deep into my heart and isolate a point of weakness and improve it. Do I want to be more kind? No, that is impossible — I open doors all day for everyone, I give up my place in line to the elders, and I never use bad words in front of strangers.
Should I stop singing about myself as some sort of deity? Idolatry is a sin. But I really am as awesome as I sing I am. Plus I am in no position to write about politics or trouble on the streets.
Wait. But why would I think I am not an authority on politics or preaching to the youngsters? Am I more than just a shiny, sexy dance machine? I am! I must do something. Now!
America. Miami. 2009. I resolve to be not just a hero to the ladies on the dance floor. I resolve to be a hero to the ladies on the street and all people in need, as well. Once I saw this TV show called Davey and Goliath. It appeared to be a cartoon but was really the word of the Lord. It's very sneaky, but effective. I like how the show secretly taught me how to do good.
My New Year's resolution is to put subliminal messages into my self-obsessed songs. But not the way the heavy-metal guys do it. I'll secretly insert important emergency phone numbers, an explanation of how to do CPR, and motivational speeches. I wonder if it's against the law to brainwash people with helpful tips.
José El Rey's weekly column, "¿Que Pasa, M.I.A.?" appears every Wednesday morning on CrossFade, New Times' music blog. Visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade to catch up on what you might have missed.