Strippers' XXXmas

They're dreaming of a ... fruitcake.

After her set, she walks my way. I hand her a dollar and ask her to take a breather.

"I'd like a million bucks," she laughs. "But just so long as it's not a gift card, I'll take anything for Christmas."

"What if it's a million dollars' worth of gift cards?" I ask her.

"No," she says, "I don't want to spend a million bucks at Starbucks, Blockbuster, and Home Depot. Gift cards are impersonal; I'd rather get something less expensive that shows that someone knows me. Or, at least, I'd like something Christmasy."

With that in mind, I tell her I have a very special surprise for her.

"Really?!"

I hand her the fruitcake.

"Oh," she says, her eyes losing their twinkle of excitement. "How ... festive."

And thoughtful!

With the fruitcake in hand, she moves on to dry-hump the table next to me, and then another, and another. The last table appears to be filled with Miss Stephanie's regular fans, who laugh, point, and roll their eyes at me and my cumbersome present. One image that's worth more than a million bucks: She laid down on three of her groupies' laps and got spanked with the green-and-red log.

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