Kitty Helps the Jobless and Flaccid

Put down the pump please.

Hello, Kitty:

I'm a 48-year-old man with a wife, two kids, and a strong libido. My wife has lost interest in sex. It might have to do with the fact that I have been jobless two years, leaving her to support the family. But she also complains that I don't get as hard as I used to. I admit that when I have sex with her, it's not rock-hard until I'm about to ejaculate. I tried to make it bigger by using one of those cheap pumps, but I might have harmed myself because it's no longer straight. I don't have erections when I wake up anymore, and I lose rigidity after sex is over. If all of that isn't enough, I've gained a few pounds. Please help me if you can.

Monsieur Softee


istockphoto.com

Hey, Monsieur Softee:

So you're a slightly overweight, unemployed, flaccid penis-pumper with two kids and an unhappy wife? Dubya, is this you? Oh wait, he's not unemployed yet. Monsieur, whoever you are, you should know that the problems you're complaining about aren't unique to you — many men across the country are having the same issues. As a side effect of the unstable economy, money woes are spilling over into the bedroom, so marriages are hurting. And why in hell are you using a penis pump? It's 2008, hon, and this is America. We pop pills! See your doctor about some Viagra or Cialis.

Your wife's reluctance to shag you could very well be a byproduct of your joblessness, as you've assumed. Or it could be about your new gut, or it could be about something you haven't guessed, such as another man, her self-esteem, or your breath. The best way to get the scoop is to ask her. Then work on solving the problem. I'm just guessing, but you could probably stand to lose the gut and gain a job. So you'll both win if it's one of those two things that are keeping her legs welded shut.

As far as your penis problems go, I'm no doctor, but I know when to call one. And, Monsieur Softee, it's time for you to holla at your internist. The fact that you are still able to get hard and reach the point of ejaculation means your equipment isn't completely broken, but it's clearly time for a tuneup. Says Kitty consultant Dr. Feelgood: "Since he's not having morning erections, it definitely sounds like there's something going on. Every man's penis becomes engorged with blood during the deepest stage of sleep, and these hard-ons decrease with age. But Monsieur isn't old enough to be experiencing this. Also, the extra weight he's carrying around could be shrinking the size of the subcutaneous fat and making his penis appear smaller. The fat could also be affecting his overall health, which directly affects the strength and rigidity of erection and sexual function." Meow.

 
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