Pop Stars for President

These days it seems like anyone might run for a spot in our executive branch. We got to wondering which pop stars might take advantage of this new political reality, and what their campaign platforms might be.

Natalie Maines

Maines, along with her fellow Dixie Chicks, was persecuted for bashing President Bush on the eve of the invasion of Iraq. But, rather than curl up into a ball and cry when conservatives began burning her CDs, she clung to her First Amendment rights and came out swinging.

Platform: It's called the Bill of Rights, people.

Chuck D

Carlton "Chuck D" Ridenhour, of Public Enemy, has been fighting the powers that be for almost a quarter-century now, using rap as a form of protest and a call to metaphorical arms.

Platform: Prepare for the revolution; it's coming. (Of course, by being elected, Chuck would also become the "power" he has been fighting most of his life, and consequently would become part of the problem.)

Toby Keith

Keith claims to be a Democrat but has spent most of the new millennium supporting Bush and recording and performing "patriotic" songs about America kicking a whole lot of ass all over the Middle East.

Platform: America has never gotten it wrong, so either support us or get the fuck out of our way, y'all.

Rage Against the Machine

We know you can't elect a whole band to the White House, but perhaps we could send frontman Zack de la Rocha to the Oval Office and the rest of Rage could just serve in his cabinet.

Platform: The problem is we're not sure what Rage specifically believes in. It seems like something that melds the Democratic platform with Noam Chomsky's libertarian socialism, hard-core Marxism, and the tenets of Lloyd Dobler.

Bono

Bono has dedicated much of his adult life to philanthropic pursuits, using his celebrity to shine a spotlight on extreme poverty around the world and the AIDS crisis — particularly in Africa. He expects all Western nations to equally dedicate themselves to these causes.

Platform: It doesn't really matter, because he wasn't born in the United States and, therefore, cannot run for the Oval Office (at least not until our love for Ahnold drives us to amend the Constitution). However, someone needs to bring up his name when the secretary general's seat opens up at the United Nations; he could save a whole lot more than just America if we gave him the chance.