By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
Labor Day is once again upon us, so we thought we'd pay tribute to America's celebration of the working man by recognizing the worst jobs in rock. They don't get any shittier than these, boys and girls.
Guns N' Roses' management: June saw the release of nine allegedly mastered tracks from Guns N' Roses' mythical forthcoming album, Chinese Democracy, yet again fueling speculation that it might be finally released after a 14-year wait. Imagine how it feels to be Irving Azoff, whose Front Line Management is sitting on what could be the biggest album of this or any other year of the millennium but can't profit from it until a certain Botox-addicted frontman gets his shit together.
R. Kelly's lawyers: Despite the fact that jurors agreed R. Kelly did, in fact, piss on someone in a homemade porn, they let him off because Kelly's superior legal team convinced them that the woman accusing him, who would have been a young teenager when the video was made, was not actually the person being, um, pissed on. Sounds a lot like "if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit," doesn't it? Wonder how his lawyers sleep at night. In giant homes with eight-car garages, that's how.
Miley Cyrus's publicists: Seriously, how many more photos can they explain away before they sound as ridiculous as a Bush White House press secretary? One has to imagine these guys are getting a little impatient with the squeaky-clean pop star's inability to keep her clothes on when a camera is pointed at her.
Pete Doherty's lawyer: The only guy in music who likes to get arrested more than DMX is Pete Doherty. At least DMX is identified first as a rapper. Doherty is known foremost as a heroin and crack fiend, and is assumed to be a musician only because editors call him one in tabloid photos.
Papa Spears: Don't ask us how he did it, but Jamie Spears somehow helped turned his daughter Britney's life around without suffering a coronary in the process. Not that we want to have her life anytime soon, but at least the press swirling around her isn't helping TMZ and Perez Hilton get rich anymore. Next up: Maybe he can get Jamie Lynn's career back on track too. Easier said than done, of course.
Tommy Lee's penis: It might sound like a cush job, but think about it. Few gigs are as high-risk as this one, even if the perks are through the roof.