Nothin' But a Good Time

What's more wholesome and American than the grand sport of baseball? A brightly sunlit day, a gentle breeze that carries the scent of hot dogs and the proverbial Cracker Jack, players dressed in fresh white uniforms on a radiant field — it all conjures up a simpler, better time.

Cynics will say baseball is a metaphor for seduction of the American girl, with each base representing an advance upon the smitten lass's amorous territory. They'll also mention our predilection to use baseball as a metaphor for prison sentences: the ol' three-strikes-you're-out, sending off many to unjustifiable punishment. And there's that steroid scandal thing. Well, those critics are just bitter old curmudgeons. And probably Commies too.

Of course, in our town, baseball is distinctly American for having trouble drawing crowds to games. What can be done to stop this tragedy? The answer is obvious: glam metal!

After the Florida Marlins matchup against the Pittsburgh Pirates this Saturday, the postgame Super Saturdays concert features none other than the great Bret Michaels. You youngsters know him as the star of Rock of Love (versions one and two), wherein a bunch of silicone-boobed wannabe starlets compete for his undying love. You gamers know his songs "Go That Far" and "Talk Dirty to Me" from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. You oldsters know him as the singer of the world's greatest hair band, Poison.

Remember when they were the soundtrack to your raging hormones? Remember how "I Want Action," "Talk Dirty to Me," "Nothin' But a Good Time," and the ultimate Buddhist ballad, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," were the basis of your high school sexual philosophy? Remember the cool chicks being hot for Bret when he wore more makeup than they did? Remember how jealous you were when the private sex tape he made with Pam Anderson became available for your private use?

Okay,  so maybe baseball is not so wholesome these days, but it's still damn fun to watch. And then after the former transvestite rocker does his rockin', there's a spectacular fireworks display. Well, at least that part is wholesome.